Care for the Elderly

* Re “Daughter Finds Elderly Oxnard Couple Dead in Apparent Murder-Suicide,” Oct. 29.

I read about the elderly couple in Oxnard who were victims of a murder / suicide. That’s not quite true. They were victims of the system--the health care system.

In my position I have come in contact with many couples in similar circumstances. Couples who have spent the better part of 50 years together, through wars and deaths of children and deaths of dreams. Together, through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, forever and ever, just like their vows said.

Only nowadays “in sickness” sometimes means that they can no longer stay together and receive the level of care they each need. They cannot afford 24-hour care in their homes. One of them is sicker than the other. What are the options?

I’ve sat with folks and tried to explain their limited options. I’ve talked with them on the phone at length. I’ve cried silently while listening to their stories. And still I have limited options to explain.

I’ve listened to grown children of elderly couples who feel resentment and anger and guilt at now trying to parent their parents. They want to do what’s best for their parents but that’s hardly ever what their parents want. And again I explain their limited options. And again listen to their frustrations and cry silently at their, and my, helplessness.

“Together for better or worse . . . “ Very serious vows. And when they feel they can no longer honor the “in sickness and in health,” they will honor the “forever and ever . . ..”

CANDACE STEWART

Long Term Care Services

of Ventura County