LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Regarding reports that Republican Senate candidate Mike Huffington employed for five years a nanny who had been in the United States illegally: Comedy writer Tony Peyser doesn’t see the problem; “John-Roger told Arianna the woman had a green card in a previous life.”

The Vatican has officially recognized Russia despite charges the Soviet Union hired a Bulgarian to shoot the Pope in 1981; comic Argus Hamilton notes that Moscow claims the charge was thoroughly investigated: “The KGB concluded that the Pope fired first.”

From Premiere Radio: Steven Lightfoot was arrested this week for stalking author Stephen King. The alleged stalker is claiming that King murdered John Lennon. A confused Lightfoot said once he gets into prison, he’ll get even with Mark David Chapman for writing “The Shining.”

Today marks the 108th anniversary of the Statue of Liberty’s dedication, evoking memories of the famed inscription, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.” That’s fine and dandy, says comedy writer Mark Miller, “unless they sneaked over the border illegally, in which case we’ll just ship their butts right back outta here!”

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Briefly:

“Clinton is reportedly seeking to build a bridge to the Muslim world. He’ll do fine as long as he doesn’t hire any MTA engineers.”

--Tony Peyser “A recent Harris poll shows 46% of voters believe their votes don’t count and politicians will do whatever they want. The other 54% know for sure.”

--Gary Easley

On Half Moon Bay’s proposal to ban homework in schools: “Animal rights activists are up in arms. Without homework, what will the students’ dogs eat?”

--Michael Connor

“Police in Queens, N.Y., have identified the vandal who defaced Harry Houdini’s grave but have yet to find handcuffs that will hold him.”

--Bob Mills

“Swiss Colony is recalling thousands of cases of mail-order baked goods because of bacteria, but don’t expect a huge return. By now, most of their customers have already tossed them.”

--Alan Ray

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Robin Romero of Hacienda Heights says son Skylar started kindergarten at a Lutheran school earlier this year. On the designated chapel day during the first week, the boy carried a filled offering envelope with him. When he came home from school, his mother asked him if he gave his offering during the service. The boy replied:

“No, I forgot it in my backpack. But it was OK, because they let me in for free.”