Any Dodgers fan visiting New York is bound to have questions.
Why is the Statue of Liberty calling for a right-handed relief pitcher? Why does the wait for trains along the High Line seem like forever? Can I trust these tacos? When the game is over, are we going to hear Randy Newman?
We have no answers. But we do have this travel advisory for any Dodgers fan considering a quick trip east.
Broadway: This is the Manhattan street where the Mets had a grand ticker-tape parade after winning the 1969 World Series in Shea Stadium. Soon after, ticker tape, Shea Stadium and winning Mets seasons all fell out of style.
The Bronx: This is the site of the original Yankee Stadium, where the Dodgers beat the Yankees to win the 1955 World Series and beat them again to win the 1981 World Series. In a later bid to blot out those memories, the Yankees leveled that stadium and built another one across the street.
Carnegie Hall: Picture the Hollywood Bowl without the hills, the stars, the breeze or bring-your-own alcohol.
Central Park: This is what you’d get if you flattened Griffith Park, razed its observatory, shrunk its zoo, obliterated its golf courses and let the drum circle pound away all weekend. Nice fountain, though.
The East River: A shorter, wider L.A. River, equally suitable for swimming.
Katz’s Delicatessen: This Lower East Side eatery is the setting for the famous scene in “When Harry Met Sally†when Meg Ryan, dining with Billy Crystal, pretends she’s actually eating at Langer’s Deli in Los Angeles.
Little Italy: Eataly, The Prequel.
Venture beyond your usual Dodgers pre-game options with oysters, sake, arcade games across Silver Lake, Echo Park and Chinatown.
Metropolitan Museum of Art: An unnecessary museum, with minimal baseball content and art that’s either older than what LACMA has or younger than what the Getty Villa has. In its favor, the museum does stage the Met Gala, an annual spectacle in which celebrities dress like Mets out of uniform.
Patience and Fortitude: These are the names of the stone lions that preside over the steps to the main New York Public Library. You may find examples of the latter around town. The former, not so much.
That low rumble you keep hearing: Don’t worry. It’s not Pete Alonso rounding third. It’s the subway.
Times Square: New Yorkers gather here each New Year’s Eve to shiver, hear Anderson Cooper filibuster and distract themselves from the fact that the Yankees haven’t won a World Series in 15 years and the Mets haven’t won one in this century.
U.N. Headquarters: These are the people responsible for bringing peace to the world. After that they’re going to sort out the Dodgers’ starting rotation.
Brooklyn: Well, this is awkward. Jackie Robinson is buried here. Pee Wee Reese spent 94% of his career here. Sandy Koufax grew up and made his first major league start here in 1955. Notable locations include Ebbets Field Apartments, a 1,300-unit complex built in 1962 on Bedford Avenue, where a ballpark used to be.
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