Don’t even go there

People keep telling me to see “About Schmidt.” But I haven’t gotten around to the movie for a number of reasons, chief among them the Grove and the AMC Century 14 in Century City.

You will find both places listed in “Boycott L.A.,” my Zagat Survey of the mind, a loosely connected but rigorously adhered-to guidebook outlining the places in Los Angeles that I refuse to patronize (again, the book is not available in stores, only in my mind).

The Grove and AMC Century 14 appear in the chapter titled “Places Where I Won’t See Movies.” If you look in the index of “Boycott L.A.,” in fact, you will notice that the Grove actually appears in five chapters, including “Places Where I Won’t Shop,” “Places Where I Won’t Meet You for a Drink,” “Places Where SUVs Take Up Compact Parking Spaces” and “Historical L.A. Landmarks Ruined by So-Called Progress.” Wanna know where the intersection of Stupid and Frustrating is? Try heading north on Fairfax toward Third Street, where you used to be able to access the Farmers Market with ease. But, hey, God forbid the world should be deprived of another Banana Republic the size of the Hindenburg. I hate you, Grove.

But back to “About Schmidt.” Yes, it is true that the movie is also playing at the Loews Cineplex Broadway Cinemas in Santa Monica. But Santa Monica is also part of “Boycott L.A.” (not including pictures, there are more than 100 pages of text) in the chapter titled “Places Where People Drive 20 mph Because They’re on the Phone or They Just Don’t Care.” So I couldn’t go there either.

Speaking of the last chapter I mentioned, careful readers of “Boycott L.A.” will be pleased to note several changes and updates in the 2003 edition of the book. This year, “Places Where People Drive 20 mph Because They’re on the Phone or They Just Don’t Care” includes a color-coded map of particularly bothersome stretches of Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and the San Fernando Valley. Also, the chapters “Places Where I Won’t Have Breakfast,” “Places Where I Won’t Have Lunch” and “Places Where I Won’t Have Dinner” have all been updated. For instance, any Buca di Beppo location has been added to “Places Where I Won’t Eat Dinner,” thanks to a recent evening at the Buca in Pasadena’s Old Town, where they serve such massive quantities of ultimately wasted food that I wanted to dim the lights and run a short film on Third World hunger.

The weekend before last came news on the “About Schmidt” front. In terms of theaters near me, its sphere has widened. Now it is also playing at the Bridge in West Los Angeles and the ArcLight in Hollywood. I will probably go see it at the ArcLight, although not happily. I went recently, for the first time. It’s like dragging yourself to an art museum to see an exhibition you’re supposed to see, and instead, a movie is shown! There are assigned seats and a bar and lots of people dressed in Banana Republic brushed cotton and merino wool. Everything about the place -- the bookstore, the tables for chatting, the beards -- says, “Welcome, cineaste.” For the privilege, you get to pay 14 bucks. Yeah, the sound and the picture are good, and there’s that stadium seating thing. (Whatever did we do before stadium seating?) But I’m onto you, ArcLight. You’re not in my book, but you’re on my list.

*

Paul Brownfield can be reached by e-mail at [email protected].