It’s Time to Play the Name Game

WASHINGTON —  For once, there were no rapes, no murders, no terrible scandals. Nobody bit somebody else’s ear off. Nobody died from an overdose. For once in a long time, sports gave us a year of great joy. For once in a long time, sports weren’t a reflection of our society at large. They were a respite from our society at large--for which every one of us, from the guy down the street to the guy at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., can be grateful.

Three images from 1998 stand out above the rest. They are images of superstars doing super things, putting exclamation points on their Hall of Fame careers. The first was in San Diego on Super Bowl Sunday, when after 15 years of trying, John Elway finally won the big one. Close your eyes and you can see him now, keeping a drive alive on third down by hurling himself over three Packers down to the 4-yard line, and then later holding the championship trophy aloft, his toothy smile illuminating the night. The second was in Salt Lake City, with 5.2 seconds left in Game 6 of the NBA Finals, as Michael Jordan rose in the air like a magnificent hawk and hit nothing but net to singe Utah and win his sixth title on what might be the last shot he ever takes.

The third image is the most memorable of all. It came in St. Louis in September, when Mark McGwire broke the most celebrated record in sports by hitting his 62nd home run of the season. After he crossed the plate, McGwire lifted his young son Matt off the ground and into his arms, a perfect symbol of the game America’s fathers and sons have been playing and watching together for over 100 years. Was there a dry eye across America watching that?

Merry Christmas to McGwire, Jordan and Elway. And to:

Sammy Sosa.

The Maris family.

Steve Francis. Larry Bird. Kerry Wood. Randy Moss. El Duque. Se Ri Pak.

Dennis Eckersley. Paul Molitor. Clyde Drexler. Irving Fryar. Mills Lane. Keith “Big Hoss” Jackson.

Faye Dunaway, who when asked by a San Diego newspaper for her Super Bowl prediction, said, ‘Who’s playing? Where are they playing? Aren’t I a terrible American?”

Catfish Hunter. Darryl Strawberry. John Cullen. Casey Martin. Vladimir Konstantinov. Chris Spielman.

Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra. Brett Butler and Mike Piazza. David Falk and Puff Daddy. Spike Lee and Regina Miller. Dom Capers and Kerry Collins. John Harkes and Steve Sampson. Pat Gillick and Peter Angelos. Terry Robiskie and Michael Westbrook. Jason Whitlock and Andre Rison. Kevin Greene and Kevin Steele. John Thompson and Kevin Millen. Bob Knight and Ted Valentine. Junior and Duke. John Kent Cooke and Joe Gibbs. Rupert Murdoch and Larry Lucchino. Phil Luckett and Jerome Bettis. Abe Pollin and Michael Jordan. Makhtar Ndiaye and Britton Johnson. Dumitru and Dominque Moceanu. Mike Tyson and everybody. And, of course, Jeff Van Gundy and Alonzo Mourning.

Lou Holtz. Jim Leyland. Rick “Van News” Barnes; Mike Holmgren.

Jesse “The Body” Ventura.

Tubby Smith. Lindsay Davenport. Mark O’Meara.

Bobby Czyz, for saying in defense of Mike Tyson, “If I hit an opponent, and his eye fell out of his head, I would eat it before he got it back. That’s the kind of mentality you have to have.”

Joe Torre. Phil Jackson. Pat Summitt; Bill Parcells.

Lee Johnson. Nardi Contreras. Patrise Alexander. Scott Blanton. David Akers.

Cynthia Cooper; Nykesha Sales.

David Stern’s beard.

Patrick Ewing, for saying in all sincerity, “We’re fighting for our livelihood. We cannot survive if we sign this contract.” Hahaha. Stop, Patrick, you’re killing me.

Left wing lock. Cover two. Four seamer.

Tim Floyd.

Toms River. Capitol City.

David Wells; Jim Lewis.

Indians infielder Jeff Manto, for saying, “I’m a proven so-so player.”

Scholar-athlete Andy Katzenmoyer.

Tony Esposito. Phil Esposito. South Korean World Cup soccer coach Cha Bum Kun, the first World Cup coach fired in France. (They threw the Bum out!)

Terry Bowden. Tommy Bowden. Bobby Bowden.

Androstenedione; Celine Dion.

Petr Korda. Michelle Smith. Tour de France. Junsuke Inoue. Ross Rebagliati.

Chris Webber and his new rap band “Salt-N-Pepa Spray.”

Akebono. Ronaldo. Fabian.

The Herminator.

Self-inflated Roger Clemens, soon to demand $15,000 per pitch, for saying recently, “I’m actually a free agent.” Uh, actually, you have two years left on your contract with Toronto.

Tom Clancy. Don Smiley. John Kent Cooke.

Tara Lipinsky. Monica Lewinsky.

Chuck Knoblauch. Bill Clinton.

Leslie Sheppard, for saying game after game, “This is rock bottom.”

Ron Wilson. George McPhee. Olie. Bonzai. Oatsie. Wait ‘til last year!

Jeff Gordon.

Linda Tripp, for saying, “I’m just like you.” Uh, I don’t think so.

Juwan Howard, for saying in all sincerity after the Wizards fell behind to Detroit by 31 points at the half and ultimately lost by 19, all but killing their playoff hopes, “We came out as professionals in the second half. We should hold our heads up and be proud. It was a must-win situation.” Juwan, you don’t get it, do you?

Yankee Stadium. Nassau Coliseum.

Shannon Sharpe. Tim Legler. Steve Young. Tony Gwynn. Charles Barkley; Alex Gibbs.

Bryce Drew. Andre Miller. Arthur Lee. Marius Janulis.

Florida State quarterback Dan Kendra, for missing the season with injuries sustained from a homemade pipe bomb. John Grass, the greedy guy who caught McGwire’s No. 63 and delivered a three-page list of demands for McGwire and the Cardinals, including a trip to spring training for him and his family -- and got squadoosh; Jeff Hostetler.

Cal Ripken. Darrell Green.

Dana Stubblefield. Marty Schottenheimer. Gus Frerotte. Bobby Cox. Ryan Leaf.

Billy Crystal, for saying of 7-foot-7 Georghe Muresan, “He was wearing a crucifix with a live person on it.”

Doug Flutie. Randall Cunningham. Vinny Testaverde; Brian Bellows.

Terrell Davis. Marion Jones. Ricky Williams. Pete Sampras; Steve Trachsel.

Reggie White. Thank you for shutting up. As ESPN’s Rich Eisen said after Reggie made his infamous remarks to the Wisconsin legislature, “We all knew Reggie ate Chunky soup. Now we’re wondering what was in it.”

Shirley Povich, rest in peace.