LAUGH LINES

Crackdown: Voters in Switzerland have rejected the legalization of marijuana, heroin and cocaine. “However, Swiss bankers confirm the right of every drug dealer to have his or her profits held in Swiss accounts.” (Gary Easley)

From the Business Desk: This year’s holiday season is expected to yield $174 billion in sales. “That works out to about a dozen Furbies.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

From the Legal Desk: In Japan, a court has ordered officials of the Nagano Winter Olympics to pay damages for mental anguish to a spectator who missed an event because of heavy traffic. “You know what they’d call us in L.A. if we sued and won for that? Billionaires.” (Andrew Wisot)

From the Sports Desk: “The NBA labor talks could drag on for years. The players and owners just announced that their new negotiators are Henry Kissinger and Le Duc To.” (Argus Hamilton)

Speaking of Sports: World badminton champion Sigi Budiarto has been suspended for one year for using anabolic steroids. “Officials suspected steroids when one of his serves flew 560 feet.” (Hamilton)

Kid Stuff: Madonna and Michael Jackson have announced they would send their respective children to English boarding schools. “That seems unnecessary. If they want their children to be sheltered from the decadence of American pop culture, why don’t they just stop rehearsing at home?” (Hamilton)

At the Movies: With “A Bug’s Life,” “Enemy of the State” and “The Waterboy” all in the top 10, Disney made $92 million in just one weekend last month. “On Thanksgiving, Disney officials stopped and gave thanks for their incredible bounty to their creator, Mickey Mouse.” (Jerry Perisho)

Health Watch: A publication of the American Heart Assn. says monounsaturated fats may not protect against heart disease as originally thought. A recent study of mice indicates that a daily dose of such substances as olive oil may be more fatal than beneficial. “Oh, yeah? Then how come Popeye and Bluto are almost 100 years old?” (Ira Lawson)

Space Watch: Scientists at UC Berkeley say a commercial telecommunications satellite soon will be searching for messages from the universe. “There aren’t enough unexplained mysteries walking around the campus of Berkeley?” (Mark Wheeler)

At Last: Oprah Winfrey may finally marry her longtime boyfriend, Stedman Graham, by year’s end. “Stedman’s her one ‘Beloved’ that has actually stayed around.” (Premiere Radio)

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