Packing Smokes With a Wallop

Talking Tobacco Bureau: A New Mexico woman who invented a talking cigarette pack 15 years ago as a novelty gag now thinks the devices should be used to discourage smoking. Mae Stangle says money from the recent tobacco settlement could finance mandatory talking cigarette packs that spout such warnings as “Spare your lungs” and “Smoking is stupid.” A computer chip in the packs would be activated every time a cancer stick is removed.

Loser of the Week: Get into the holiday spirit with Casual Living’s new snowman manger display. The $60 creche features a snowman Mary and Joseph waving their little stick arms over a snowbaby Jesus (who has a carrot for a nose) while an icy snow angel hovers above. “Precious snowmen figures give a new twist to the traditional Nativity,” says the ad.

The Couch Also Rises: Descendants of Ernest Hemingway have licensed a barrage of Hemingway products, including Hemingway Mont Blanc pens, Hemingway duck decoys, “Papa Hemingway” stuffed leather chairs, a $900 Hemingway tray table, a $3,200 Hemingway armoire, and Hemingway-label grandfather clocks, photo albums, bronze marlin sculptures, blankets, safari jackets, sofas, African masks and fabrics printed with the dead author’s passports and letters, according to the Washington Post.

Back From the Dead Bureau: Reddy Kilowatt, the lightning bolt-bodied electrical power mascot who was retired 25 years ago, is making a comeback. The 73-year-old utility spokesman, known for his light-bulb nose and wall-socket ears, has also been given a brother, Reddy Flame, whose job is to promote natural gas. Flame has a fiery torso, pipeline limbs and an oven-knob nose.

Kilowatt, who was banned from Cuba by Fidel Castro, was known as Don Kilovatio in Spain, Faisca (Sparky) Kilowatt in Portugal and Le Bon Genie de L’Electricite in Belgium.

Weird Charity Bureau: Five tons of dog food have been shipped to victims of Hurricane Mitch in Honduras. The chow was donated by the Hill’s pet food company to feed an estimated 20,000 canines.

In a related story, U.S. pets are being asked to donate toys to a New Jersey company that promises to distribute the items to “animals that will be alone for the holidays.” In exchange, the philanthropic pets receive a “Nobel Pets Prize” collar medallion and applications for a pet Mastercard.

Useless Polls Department: A survey by RCA found that 62% of Americans would rather channel surf than read a TV schedule.

Random Statistics Bureau: U.S. Customs agents frisked 47,021 air travelers during fiscal year 1997, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Best Tabloid Headline: “Man Earns Millions Making Waterbeds for Dolls!” (Weekly World News)

Bonus WWN headline (since it’s the season of giving): “Blow-Up Sex Doll Saves Three Men From Drowning!”

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is [email protected]. Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Mary Stolzenbach, Arizona Daily Star, Northern States Power Co., Pet Assure. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays in the new Hemingway edition of the L.A. Times.