Polite Society

The gentlemen pull out the ladies’ chairs without hoping to see them land on their keisters. In dressy clothes and their best party manners, they waltz and Macarena and have earnest discussions about stemware and thank you notes.

And through it all, their teachers say, they are learning to be kind.

Although many consider them relics, cotillion courses--monthly sessions in which elementary and junior high school kids learn social graces and dance--are enjoying something of a boom in Orange County.

Despite fees that can top $200 for a six-meeting course, thousands of O.C. parents are enrolling their children in the programs, and, amazingly enough, the kids seem happy to attend them.

“Cotillion teaches the niceties to children so they can learn how to be considerate of each other,” said Darcee Sue Gollatz-Klapp, owner of the 65-year-old Gollatz Cotillion, based in Riverside County. “It helps them get over their awkwardness, smooth their rough edges, focus on ways to make those around them feel comfortable.”

Or, as Derek Fitch, a seventh-grader enrolled in a cotillion serving the Villa Park area, explains: “I’m learning to be more polite, to know the right way to treat people and . . . how not to be rude and stuff.”

Gollatz-Klapp, a mother of seven, runs the family business with her husband, Wilbur. She grew up in the manners biz. The company was founded in 1932 by her aunt, Virginia Gollatz, and Gollatz-Klapp inherited the program from her parents in 1988. The cotillion has 20 locations in California, Colorado and Nevada and is planning to start another in Singapore. Locally, third- through eighth-graders can enroll in a Gollatz cotillion in Trabuco Canyon, Mission Viejo, Fullerton or Orange.

Of the businesses interviewed for this story--including Gollatz, the Swarthout Valley Cotillion, the Bay Cotillion, the Irvine Cotillion and the Martine Cotillion--none has an open-door policy. Some are more welcoming than others. The Martine owners and staff declined to be interviewed for this story, saying the group does not seek publicity of any type.

Critics call the selective enrollment elitist; cotillion owners call it careful.

“The way we see it, the cotillion doesn’t belong to us; it belongs to the families,” explained Susan Bent, who operates large cotillions in the Costa Mesa-Newport Beach and Irvine areas.

“The parents [of current members] run the invitation process, and if they know a student is going to be disruptive, that child typically will not be invited. We need to respect that,” Bent said. In some cases, she said, after the child has matured, the family will seek another invitation.

In most cases, youngsters must be referred by the family of a current cotillion member or an adult patroness, a volunteer mother who acts as a liaison between the cotillion and her children’s school or neighborhood.

Invitations tend to be issued once a year, a couple of months before the cotillion season begins. The season varies by cotillion, though classes typically start in the fall and end in the spring. If the bid is declined, it is often not given again unless the child’s parent asks for it. Often, students enrolled in the classes continue with them for several years.

Classes, especially those for older children, often include instruction in formal dining and, with it, multi-course catered dinners with linens and china.

One option for parents who want their children in cotillion but do not have one operating nearby--or one issuing them an invitation--is to start a new group. If there is enough interest, Brent said parents can work with a cotillion company to establish classes to serve their community and children.

Cotillion isn’t cheap. On top of the $100 to $200 tuition, there’s the cost of dressy clothing, which most require.

Because of the expense, members tend to be of middle- or upper-middle-class income. Students often come from families where at least one parent was exposed to cotillion as a child.

And, although most of the owners interviewed said they go out of their way to invite children of all ethnicities and abilities, they admit their membership isn’t all that diverse.

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Maxine Jackson, an African American mother from Yorba Linda, said she feels she’s found something even better than traditional cotillion for her children.

Jackson heads the Journey Into Possibilities program of the Orange County chapter of Links Inc., a nationwide organization for black women. Until 1994, Orange County Links had sponsored a yearly debutante program for teenage girls but decided to broaden its reach by presenting seminars and workshops designed to help boys as well as girls in personal development.

Open to any African American high school junior, the nine-month Journey series includes group study of social graces, the arts, college selection and application procedures and career guidance and culminates with a recognition dinner each fall at a major hotel.

“Journey is in some ways similar to cotillions in that it helps youths develop social awareness,” Jackson said.

“We have a choreographer who teaches them dance, and they learn how to judge for themselves what is appropriate behavior, including being aware of the tone and level of your voice in public, being well-groomed or calling when you’re going to be late for an appointment.

“It’s all about being responsible for who you are . . . and knowing how to give back to the community.”

Diane Lilly, a retired instructor with Swarthout Valley cotillions, said cotillion training can benefit a community. She recalls a series she and owner Jackie Swarthout-Smith started in the Manhattan Beach area in the mid-1980s in the midst of the controversy over alleged molestations at McMartin Preschool.

“We were approached by parents there that felt they needed something positive for the young people,” Lilly said. “The response was tremendous; we’d have 140, 150 children on the dance floor, and the walls were lined with proud parents. The confidence level improved tremendously.”

Communities, of course, can be of any size. Gollatz-Klapp, whose group has one of the more relaxed admittance policies of those interviewed, says lessons taught at cotillion should reach as wide an audience as possible. That, she said, is why they went on the Internet.

“It’s a nonthreatening way for parents and kids to look at our cotillion and see what it’s all about,” she said.

It’s also a handy way to boost their product line, which includes an audiotape, video and CD-ROM targeted to pre-cotillion-age kids. The products, available free to school systems and retailing from $11 to $20, follow the exploits of an animated squirrel-cat hybrid named Chippie as he handles social situations.

“We wanted to make it very accessible to kids who are either too young or who wouldn’t have the opportunity to participate in our cotillions,” Gollatz-Klapp said. “For example, we see Chippie . . . [learning] how to respond to a [party] invitation, how to use a fork for his salad, that kind of thing.”

In the CD-ROM, kids can dance along with Chippie as he teaches simple steps.

Gollatz-Klapp said she sees the product line as a way to keep a practice as old as cotillion vital and interesting to ‘90s children.

“Etiquette always stays the same,” said Gollatz-Klapp, who considers Letitia Baldrige’s books the standard for correct behavior but also throws goofy-tie nights and hoedowns for her students. “But manners change with the times.”

Swarthout-Smith agreed.

“I like to use the ‘Miss Manners’ guidebooks because she has a very good sense of humor,” said Swarthout-Smith, who operates cotillions in the L.A. area and in Mission Viejo. “She shows how the rules of society have changed.”

Some examples: Dinner guests are now permitted to eat before their hostess has been served (so long to tepid food!), and they can rest their elbows on the table (lightly, of course) when their plate has been removed by their server.

Local cotillion groups seem to cover classic social points: how to ask for and accept a dance, basic instruction in various dance styles from the fox trot to rock, how to use utensils, tips for making conversation. But, cotillion owners say, children also need guidance in situations that Emily Post never would have dreamed of, such as e-mail and carpool etiquette.

According to Gollatz-Klapp it is perfectly acceptable to send a thank you note via computer, as long as it is worded appropriately and sent directly to the giver’s home e-mail, never at a place of business.

Regarding carpools, Bent offers these guidelines:

“They’re the basic rules of courtesy and respect, applied to a car setting,” she said. “You’re ready when your ride arrives; you always greet the driver; you don’t touch the radio unless you have permission, and, of course, there’s no yelling or wrestling in the car.”

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Tips such as these can’t help but benefit people such as Derek Fitch’s mom, Dori, of Tustin.

She and her husband have four children, including three enrolled in cotillion, and she spends a lot of time shuttling a van full of kids to school, sports and other activities. Cotillion classes haven’t turned her brood into models of manners, but their experiences have made home life more manageable, she said.

“I think kids are inundated with so many negative messages on TV, showing that it’s cool to be rude. They need to see how it is when the pendulum swings the other way,” Fitch said.

“At first, some of the rules did seem pretty prim and proper and the situations a little stiff,” she said, recalling how Derek blanched when he had to dance with a girl at his first fourth-grade cotillion.

“But for us, I think it’s just opened up the kids’ thinking to the importance of respect for other people. And that’s a good thing.”

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Additional information is available from these sources:

* Gollatz Cotillion: (800) 832-4574; Web site https://www.gollatz.com

* “Journey into Possibilities,” a program of the Orange County chapter of Links, Inc.: (714) 692-1674

* Swarthout-Valley Cotillion: (619) 324-7811