TALKING SHOP : When You Hate Everything She Likes : Some Mothers and Daughters Are Simpatico Shoppers; Others Do Nothing but Bicker

When Carol Jerex and her mom get together, they do one thing.

Shop.

“We get along the best when we’re shopping,” says Jerex, 33, a marketing executive whose mother, Annette Lawrence, lives in Florida. “We can go for days and not get tired. We have flown places just to shop. Last time I went to visit her, we shopped every day for three weeks. I had to ship home boxes of stuff.”

But bonding through shopping is not a universal experience.

Enid Dalkoff and her mother, Lilia Dalkoff, disagree about everything when they shop. When they enter a store, Enid, 33, gravitates toward sportswear. Her mom lobbies for frilly dresses.

“I am always offended by everything she likes, and everything I like she thinks is terrible,” says Enid, a Los Angeles graphic artist. “We usually wind up not getting anything. It’s caused a lot of fights.”

In this instance, at least, 63-year-old Lilia, who lives in West Hollywood, agrees: “We never like the same things. I’ll say, ‘Isn’t that great,’ and she’ll say, ‘Oh, Mother . . . .’ ”

For some grown-up children, shopping with Mom is a heavenly experience. For others, the very idea of mother-daughter shopping brings on nausea, cold sweats and heart palpitations. Or regression to the age of 8.

Aime Friedman, 34, says she often ends up crying after a shopping expedition with her mother.

“She has her own thoughts about what I should wear,” says Friedman, who lives in Encino. “She wants me to be identical to her, and I fight her every step of the way. We fight and even yell in stores. When I’m shopping with her, I feel like a child again.”

Shopping with Mom is rarely as simple as driving to the mall for a pair of shoes. Experts say the expedition may be rife with hidden agendas and may trigger all sorts of emotions. And mothers and daughters seem to have a tougher time than mothers and sons.

The most happy shopping experience is never as innocent as it might seem, warns Nancy Friday, author of “My Mother, My Self.”

“There is an automatic competition that’s normal between mothers and daughters,” Friday says. “A mother’s judgment is never going to be like your best friend’s. . . . She has an idea of how she thinks you should look--she sees you either as an extension of her, or she wants you to look like her, or she doesn’t want to feel old by having all eyes turned on you.”

Friday adds that shopping with Mother for a “dress for success suit” could be a good idea, but taking her along to buy a sexy dress might be asking for trouble.

Even without Mother along to give her opinion, Friday says Mom’s voice is inescapable. Even if she’s not with you, she’s with you.

“She’s always in your head. What you see in the mirror is partially through her eyes, and it will be that way till you die.”

One 28-year-old concierge finds she loses sight of her likes and dislikes every time she shops with her mom. “My mom can talk me into things I don’t like,” says the Playa del Rey resident who did not want her name used for fear of upsetting her mother. “I get home and say, ‘I hate this. I’m never going to wear it.’ ”

Neil Klasky recalls shopping with his mother for clothes for the Jewish High Holidays, which fall in September or October. Even though the weather is usually hot, his mother insisted he buy wool clothes.

“We had to get warm blazers and sweaters,” says Klasky, a 26-year-old Los Angeles lawyer. “I always complained, but she always said, ‘It doesn’t matter how you feel as long as you look good.’ That’s a message of life that’s stayed with me.”

Psychologists agree the “shopping experience,” which may start in early childhood, can have deep and long-lasting effects. And the shopping relationship between mother and child is often a microcosm of the entire relationship.

“If a mother promotes autonomy and independent thinking, she will be more accepting of the child’s choices,” says Beverly Hills psychologist Lynda Chassler. “A mother who is more critical and controlling might exercise greater influence in the choice of clothing, interfering in the development of the child’s autonomy.”

Those mothers and children who seem to get along best when in a mall might also pause for reflection: Psychologists say shopping may be filling a void in the relationship.

“It probably means they cannot communicate or relate in other ways, so they’ve found a common interest,” says psychologist Susan Krevoy, who practices in Beverly Hills. “Shopping becomes a substitute.”

Salespeople say that shopping clashes are commonplace.

“I’ve seen fights, and mothers run out of the store,” says an assistant manager at a Beverly Center clothing shop. “I’ve seen a mother tell her 50-year-old daughter to stand up straight or to put a little makeup on. Mothers will sometimes whisper in a salesperson’s ear . . . to suggest a certain outfit because (the daughter) won’t listen to the mother.”

And salespeople generally employ a little psychology when dealing with a potentially difficult or explosive situation.

“We’re all in tune with what to do, when to step back and let them have their own private encounter,” says the Beverly Center saleswoman.

But even if they’re quarreling, many mothers and their offspring get a mutual payoff when shopping together. Children hear their mothers’ opinions--and sometimes receive their money. And mothers see how their children would like to dress.

“I love shopping with my daughters. It’s like dressing up Barbie dolls and oohing and aahing,” says Joan Worth, an artist and writer with two grown daughters.

“But,” says the Beverly Hills resident, “I shop more with my younger daughter because she listens to me more.”