The Devastating Truth About Rush Limbaugh on TV

Rush Limbaugh made his television debut in Los Angeles last Monday minutes after Judge Joseph Wapner had made a ruling on “People’s Court” concerning a monetary spat that two squabbling girlfriends had earlier tried to resolve during a lunch at Bob’s Big Boy.

He was awesome.

Fierce. Uncompromising. Tough. Explosive. Irritating. Insulting. Fearless. Intolerant of fools. Sharp-tongued. Tyrannical. Fanatically focused. All-knowing. Absolutely, flat-out terrifying.

Yes, no one of sound mind would dare cross paths with Wapner.

But Limbaugh?

This is the self-proclaimed “most dangerous man in America”? This is the scourge of the left? This is the big boy of the right whose radio show reaches 12 million listeners on more than 500 stations?

This marshmallow! This patsy! This cream puff! This soft-boiled egg! This doughboy! This whiffle ball! This harmless Rushie wushie! This . . .

CLOSET LIBERAL!!!

He operates in his shirt sleeves from a den-like set in New York, talking about himself, taking an occasional call and putting his spin on the headlines. Very revealing.

After watching the first week of his new syndicated series on KCOP-TV Channel 13 (3:30 p.m. weekdays, with repeats at 1 a.m.), one must logically conclude that Limbaugh is the lead component of an insidious left-wing conspiracy to make conservatives look like clowns.

Oh, he was shrewd, all right, trying to cover his pinko tracks with some cheap shots (“Even the makeup girl is a Commie babe”), lots of anti-liberal name-calling and some nasty comments about African-American director Spike Lee. He read a transcript of an alleged expletive-filled protest call Lee is supposed to have made to the New York Times, calling it “looter lingo,” by implication linking Lee to lawlessness.

Nice try, Rushie.

How curious that Mr. Conservative didn’t mention that the same expletives are a regular feature when baseball players and managers chew out umpires on the baseball field. Or maybe, unlike the rest of us, he doesn’t love and cherish . . .

AMERICA’S FAVORITE PASTIME!!!

How curious, also, that not once during his first week of half-hour shows did Limbaugh attack Fidel Castro or pray or mention God or recite the Pledge of Allegiance or sing the national anthem (even Democrats did that at their convention) or salute the flag. Although wanting to give this alleged conservative the benefit of the doubt, moreover, one couldn’t help noticing that, on occasion, his body tilted . . .

TO THE LEFT!!!

Very suspicious. Very liberal.

Limbaugh was critical of the recent Michigan-Notre Dame college football tie, equating it with “liberalism” because “nothing was accomplished despite effort.” Perhaps Mr. Loyal American had forgotten that one of Notre Dame’s biggest heroes was the late George Gipp, who was played on the screen by a beloved former President. Or maybe Limbaugh has no respect for . . .

RONALD REAGAN!!!

He pointed out the “absolute idiocy that goes on in this country.” Oh, is that so? Well, if he doesn’t like our wonderful, sweet America, maybe he should just pack his bags and . . .

LEAVE THIS COUNTRY!!!

Rushie tried to disguise his true liberal feelings by constantly referring to Bill Clinton as “slick Willie.” Funny, wouldn’t you say, that Mr. Conservative neglected to mention that “Willie” was also the nickname for William Shakespeare, whose plays were performed in the Globe Theatre by men who also played the female roles. Thus, it’s obvious that despite claiming to be a right-winger, Limbaugh endorses . . .

TRANSVESTITES!!!

And what about this? Limbaugh took a call from a Connecticut man, not only failing to ask the caller if he was a draft dodger--quite an omission for someone claiming to be a patriot--but also not mentioning that this state adjoins Massachusetts, home of . . .

TEDDY KENNEDY!!!

Oh, Rushie. This is the blustery buffoon who is supposed to mortify liberals? Who is he kidding? Who are they kidding? With enemies like this, who needs friends?

BACK ON EARTH. Whoopi Goldberg’s new talk show was more blah than blast in its first week at 11 p.m. on KCAL-TV Channel 9. Yet these single-guest, half-hour chats also are utterly pleasant, the kind of refreshing, relaxing buzz that has long been missing from the late-night wars. Regardless of the guests, the primary message of “The Whoopi Goldberg Show” is Whoopi. She’s that likable.

Taped on an intimate living room set with no studio audience and only a pianist to provide tinkly musical bridges between segments, the show is heavier on mood than information. That’s true despite Goldberg’s obvious curiosity about many things, including why opening-night guest Elizabeth Taylor first became an AIDS activist. Finally, the conversation turned to discrimination against gays and lesbians.

Liz: “Without homosexuals, there wouldn’t be this town.”

Whoopi: “Woo, go ahead, girl.”

Goldberg also had an easygoing good time with two subsequent guests, Ted Danson and Elton John, who spoke about his self-destructive side and how the bizarre costumes that became his trademark were overcompensation for feelings of insecurity.

Very nice. Go ahead, girl.

The show’s tone is just right for unpressured chewing the fat with stars. However, the format betrayed Goldberg when her guest was notorious white supremacist Tom Metzger. What viewers got was a civil conversation, full of pleasantries, between Goldberg and a professional racist who was allowed to put his twist on history and sociology in an atmosphere of conviviality.

Metzger is an old hand at wearing sheep’s clothing for the camera. Thus, inevitably, his mere presence with Goldberg, who seemed genuinely curious about this UFO sitting on the adjoining couch, gave him an undeserved aura of legitimacy. They even joshed. When Metzger called for racial separatism, Goldberg said, “I’d miss talkin’ to you.” He replied: “I could call you on the phone.”

No fool, Goldberg told an ABC interviewer last week that she realized that Metzger was all the more dangerous given his ability to create a charming facade. “He’s like your uncle from Peoria,” she said.

Then why give him a stage?