When a Jewish Divorce Is Really Hard to <i> Get</i> : Religion: A conference will discuss the growing problem of men who use the bill of divorcement as a pretext for tormenting estranged spouses.
“It was the worst time in my life,” recalled Rachel (not her real name). “He basically put me in prison for a year.”
An Orthodox Jew in her 40s, Rachel is one of the growing number of women who have suffered a uniquely Jewish twist on the general nastiness of divorce. For a year, her husband refused to give her a get, the bill of divorcement required by Jewish law.
Without a get, Rachel couldn’t remarry, despite her civil divorce. In fact, as an observant Jew, she couldn’t even date. Had she remarried without a get, any children from her subsequent marriage would have been stigmatized as momzerim , children of an adulterous relationship, and they would have been forbidden by Jewish law to marry anyone but another momzer .
Ultimately, Rachel got her get , after she agreed to give her recalcitrant spouse $150,000.
“I was one of the lucky ones,” said Rachel, a successful businesswoman who could afford the money and thought that it was well spent. “I have friends who have had to wait 10 or 15 years, and the man totally ruined their lives.”
“When the Altar Weeps: Jewish Divorce and Its Problems” is the subject of a conference today at the University Religious Conference building, 900 Hilgard Ave., Westwood. Sponsored by Westwood Kehilla, an Orthodox synagogue, the program starts at 8:45 a.m. It takes its title from the Talmudic teaching that when a Jewish couple divorces, the very altar in the temple weeps.
According to Joel Zeff, rabbi of Westwood Kehilla, the conference is intended to inform the Jewish public of the importance of obtaining a Jewish divorce. It will also offer practical solutions to the growing problem of spouses who use the get as a pretext for exploiting or tormenting their estranged partners.
The procedure for a Jewish divorce is described in the Torah, specifically the Book of Deuteronomy, which instructs: “He writes her a bill of divorcement and gives it into her hand and releases her from his household.”
“If they don’t do that, they are still married to each other in the eyes of Jewish law,” Zeff said. Although the laws pertaining to marriage and divorce gave unusual protection to women, given the times, the consequences of not getting a religious divorce are especially harsh for women.
“Theoretically, a man is allowed to have more than one wife. From the Torah’s perspective, it isn’t adultery. He’s just a man with two wives.”
Rabbinic law has forbidden polygamy for a thousand years, Zeff said. But failure to obtain a Jewish divorce does not stigmatize the children a man has as a result of a civil union after a civil divorce. However, a woman who fails to get a Jewish divorce becomes aguna , a Hebrew word meaning chained. Her children from any subsequent relationship can only marry among others like themselves. A parent’s adultery is the sole reason for illegitimacy under Jewish law, Zeff pointed out.
“Children born out of wedlock are 100% kosher,” even though their parents’ behavior is considered wrong.
“Thank God, it’s not an epidemic,” said Zeff of divorce-related abuse.
“We see too much of this,” he said. “I can’t give you a number, but I personally know of four or five cases in Los Angeles.”
He has not had a single divorce in his congregation of 100 families since becoming its rabbi five years ago, but he said he is aware that divorce is increasing even among the religious.
Writer Rochel Krich, who lives in the Beverly-Fairfax area, wrote an Orthodox woman’s struggle to get a religious divorce into her forthcoming mystery novel, “Til Death Do Us Part.” Several of her friends have gone through the ordeal, and the problem is growing, she said.
Like others concerned about the issue, she emphasized that Jewish law itself is not at fault, but rather those individuals who would use the law as a pretext for tormenting or exploiting an estranged spouse.
Among the speakers at the conference will be Sarah Bunin, a New York City social worker and Jewish educator who is vice president of Getting Equitable Treatment, or GET, a volunteer organization that helps spouses get Jewish divorces.
Founded in 1980, GET urges couples to sign prenuptial agreements that they will get a Jewish divorce should their marriage fail. But, to date, there is no consensus in rabbinical circles on how such documents should be worded to make sure they conform to Jewish law. And it is also unclear whether such agreements are compatible with civil law.
Opponents argue that they violate the separation of church and state. However, New York civil courts recently have supported women who claimed they were coerced into accepting unfair financial settlements in exchange for a get .
Bunin said GET was founded by three Orthodox couples who were horrified when a friend’s husband demanded $250,000 before he would give his wife a get.
Although most religious divorces proceed relatively smoothly, there are plenty of horror stories, she said. Women are sometimes told they will be given a get only if they give up their rights to marital property, spousal support or child support. Sometimes custody of the children is the cost of the document.
Sometimes a spouse will withhold a get (or refuse to accept a get) out of “pure meanness,” Bunin said. “I know of one man who told his wife, ‘I’m not giving you a get until you are too old to have children.’ ”
In some Orthodox communities, the matter has led to violence. A woman’s relatives will sometimes beat up a recalcitrant spouse, Bunin said. GET doesn’t get violent, but it does get noisy. In one recent case, a man who had refused his wife a divorce was called before the rabbinic court three times--the number stipulated in Jewish law.
GET then contacted all the synagogues in the area and informed them of his refusal to give his wife a divorce . Several barred the man from praying there. The organization’s group of 50 volunteers will also distribute posters showing the offender and march outside his place of business, yelling “Give your wife a get. “
Helping someone obtain a Jewish divorce is a source of enormous satisfaction to the volunteers, said Bunin. “It’s definitely a mitzvah ,” she said. And she noted that, just as you congratulate newlyweds, “After a person gets a get you say, ‘ Mazel tov !’ ”
