Letting Cat Out of the Bag Since It’s April Fools’ Day

It’s April Fools’ Day, which, inevitably, some people will use as an excuse to spread vicious and horrible lies.

Sure, it sounds fun. But as a public service, it may be necessary to clarify a few reports that are likely being tossed around today about local television personalities, San Diego’s token celebrities.

None of the following are true, although some may sound believable:

Even though the new “Ross/Hedgecock Report” has done shows on hypnosis and overweight women, there is no truth to the rumor that, in an attempt to woo the audience away from Oprah Winfrey, it will devote a program to transsexuals buying condos, followed by a lively phone debate about the pros and cons of nude sunbathing.

Don’t believe anybody who says that KGTV (Channel 10) weather guy “Captain Mike” Ambrose and Willard Scott are the same person, even though their personalities appear to be interchangeable and they’ve never been seen together.

There is no truth to the rumor that KUSI-TV (Channel 51) will soon air a story that hasn’t first appeared in a newspaper.

Those wacky KFMB-FM (B100) morning guys may not be known for their originality, but there is no truth to the rumor that they recently pulled a phone prank on themselves, calling each other and asking if they had Prince Albert in a can.

Yes, Michael Tuck did go to Los Angeles, and although some of his current commentaries sound like they’ve been filed from a distant world, there is no truth to the rumor that Tuck is actually living in a Zen monastery in Japan and sending his “Perspective” pieces to Channel 10 via yak.

Despite the shrewd and compelling television news logic behind it, don’t believe people who say that professional television journalist Susan Roesgen moved to New York to replace Dan Rather. She’s actually replacing George Will.

There is no truth to the rumor that Channel 10 anchorwoman Kimberly Hunt divorced Chargers linebacker Billy Ray Smith to marry omnipresent former ambassador to Qatar Joe Ghougassian , only to divorce him when she discovered that Qatar is not the land that developed that tasty sauce for fish.

Out of the fog of the latest turnover at KFMB-TV (Channel 8), sports guy Ted Leitner has emerged stronger than ever. He recently signed a new five-year deal to provide his witticisms to Channel 8 and its sister radio station, KFMB-AM (760), reportedly for $700,000 annually. Although Leitner told at least one reporter last week that the $700,000 figure was too high, he confirmed it to another and there is no doubt that he received a hefty chunk of change.

It’s certainly unfair to say Leitner helped orchestrate events at the station, but some people are grumbling, since there is no doubt that he has the ear of news director Jim Holtzman, a close friend. And the end result is undeniable: At the same time that Leitner was looking for a new contract, the slew of changes--including a new anchor team and a new weatherman--left Leitner as the station’s main marketable personality. Apparently management, faced with a new news team, felt it could not afford to lose Leitner.

Holtzman angrily denied that there was any connection between Leitner’s contract talks and changes at the station. The negotiations with Leitner started long before the current rash of changes, he said, and Leitner “did not get a dramatic jump” in pay.

“Ted is the most recognizable personality that has ever worked in TV in San Diego,” Holtzman said.

Of course, the station’s $700,000 question is whether people actually tune in to Channel 8 to see Leitner. The acerbic sports guy was given much of the credit during the early ‘80s when Channel 8 was a ratings power. But apparently he is not going to shoulder any of the blame now that the station’s ratings have slipped.

Perhaps this tear-wrenching and original lead-in sounds familiar: “ . . . and a sight you can never get tired of, the joyous reunion of servicemen and their families.”

Channel 39’s Allison Ross said that recently. It was worth writing down, only because it seems like television anchors have said the same thing, or an equivalent post-war cliche, at least a thousand times.

Sure enough, the next day, Channel 39’s Denise Yamada waded in with “Another scene we never get tired of. . . . “

Well, hate to disagree, but it is possible to get just a little tired of it.

It’s nice to see a local actor get a gig, but that convenience store commercial featuring local comedian Rick Rockwell as a Russian hot dog lover is already vaulting up the ladder of extremely annoying commercials. . . .

San Diegans who gush about Whoopi Goldberg being a local must have cringed to hear her accept her supporting actress Oscar last week by fondly remembering her New York roots. . . .

On the other hand, animator Nick Park paid tribute to local animation festival impresarios Spike Decker and Mike Gribble when he accepted his Oscar. . . .

Two years after he got his hair cut on television as a “cheap, attention-getting stunt,” weather guy Larry Mendte did his last newscast for Channel 8 Friday night. During his final report Mendte, who is still looking for a new job, flashed a phone number on the screen for people to call if they wanted to hire him. It was news director Holtzman’s phone number . . . Curt Sandoval, most recently of Bakersfield, is the the new weekend sports guy for Channel 8. . . .

Oceanside Blade-Citizen columnist Brian Cook is close to inking a deal to bring his around-town column to the radio. He’ll appear on the KGMG-AM (1320) morning show. . . .

Bob Lawrence is the latest veteran Channel 39 reporter to abruptly leave the station. . . . Desperately looking to stir up a little action, Thursday night Channel 51 sports guy Rod Luck gave out the number for the San Diego city school board and encouraged viewers to call to complain about proposed cuts in sports programs. On Friday, a switchboard operator reported no unusual phone activity, which speaks volumes about the size and enthusiasm of the Channel 51 audience. . . .

To help commemorate Channel 39 weather guy Bob Dale’s birthday last week, anchors Marty Levin and Denise Yamada and sports guy Jim Laslavic donned bow ties for the 5 p.m. newscast. Viewers who tuned in late probably thought they had fallen into some sort of sadistic nightmare.