Simple or Contrived, Excuses Are a Fact of Life

Honest, this story had a really zingy beginning. But the dog ate it.

He didn’t mean to. He doesn’t know any better because he missed obedience school last week.

But that wasn’t his fault. The car was in the shop, and we couldn’t walk to class because there wasn’t time to buy a leash. . . .

Excuses, excuses. Are they just another character flaw, crutches for the weak and childish?

To the contrary, a growing body of research--including several studies published recently in academic journals--indicates that excuses can be valuable coping mechanisms that reduce the stress of social failure.

“Excuses provide a personal insurance policy for maintaining an image of ourselves as good, in-control persons,” says C. R. Synder, a Kansas psychologist who has studied excuses for more than a decade. “I can’t imagine a world of total accountability in which no excuses are allowed.”

By excusing ourselves, we also acknowledge that society lives by certain rules and that breaking those rules demands an explanation, adds Snyder, director of clinical psychology training programs at the University of Kansas in Lawrence and author of “Excuses: Masquerades in Search of Grace.”

Self-Destructive Behavior

But other mental-health experts say excuse making can get out of control and question just what its role should be. Some, like Bernard Weiner, a UCLA professor of psychology, see excuses primarily as social niceties, tools for maintaining relationships and expectations. Others, like Van Nuys psychologist Sven Wahlroos, take a dimmer view and warn that irrational excuse-making can be self-destructive. He cites financial hardship as a deadly excuse for postponing a doctor’s appointment in the face of serious physical symptoms.

All agree, however, that excuses are a natural part of life, social “lubricants” we learn at our parents’ knees. Consider the toddler who spills milk, says Snyder. A parent is likely to say, “You didn’t mean to do that.” Later in life, when adults don’t make excuses for failure, the job is often done for them, he adds. “There’s so much tension that people around them make excuses for them.”

In his studies, Weiner found that excuses tend to center on four areas: transportation difficulties, responsibilities such as work or school, prior engagements and illness.

The latter is especially popular among college students at examination time, found John J. Chiodo, chairman of teacher education at Cal State Stanislaus and author of “The Effects of Exam Anxiety on Grandma’s Health,” published in the Chronicle of Higher Education. During his two years of teaching at Clarion University of Pennsylvania, Chiodo notes in the tongue-in-cheek article, 12 grandmothers of students “passed away,” usually around exam time.

Four Strategies Shared

The best excuse makers usually share four strategies, Synder finds:

--They’re convinced an excuse is related to reality (or to reality as they know it). “And they also think someone else is going to believe it.”

--They establish the fact that almost anyone else in the same situation would have performed as poorly. (“Of course I’m late. Anyone taking the freeway knows traffic was murder this morning.”)

--They convey the impression that the problem is not typical of them. (“I haven’t been late for work in years.”)

--They isolate the mistake from other parts of their life. (“But I’m a good father,” says a ballplayer who had a bad night on the field.)

The best excuses are the simplest, Weiner believes. “There’s no need, really, to be creative. If your excuse is really unusual, chances are it won’t be believed.”

Sometimes, words aren’t necessary. A baseball pitcher who’s played a terrible game need only rub his arm or rotate his elbow as he leaves the mound. “The unspoken message is that he should not be held accountable for the lousy performance because of his sore arm,” Synder says.

Obviously, some excuses work better than others. Among the most successful: “I didn’t mean to.” And “Well, nobody’s perfect.”

“That’s a classic consensus-raising excuse,” Synder says of the latter. “The beauty of it is, it’s right.”

Those most likely to backfire?

--”It’s her fault.” Excusing your mistake by pinning it on someone else is a bad idea, Synder says. “No one likes to be blamed.”

--”I forgot.” Forgetfulness usually offends people, Weiner maintains. An elderly person might get away with a simple “I forgot,” he adds, and a younger person might, too, with the added reassurance: “I forgot, but it won’t happen again.”

Psychologists disagree about whether citing lack of effort works. Snyder thinks it does and cites a study of grade-school children who had trouble with arithmetic skills. When persuaded to blame their failures on their own lack of effort, the students’ math performance eventually improved, he notes. However, in another study, Weiner found lack of effort provokes anger in others.

They concur that women and men both make excuses but differ in their approach. “Men use more rudimentary excuses,” Synder says. “And women tend to be more facile verbally. They are perhaps more sensitive to cues and situations and what might actually work.”

Both genders are equally slow to recognize their own excuse making. “Nobody thinks they’re an excuse maker,” Synder says. “When you’re in a jam, you have explanations or reasons for what you do.”

Be careful not to fall into the “self-handicapping” trap--admitting failures before performance in the hope of avoiding criticism. And even the most finely crafted, effective excuses will wear thin with overuse, experts agree.

The reactions of others is one cue. “Other people will begin to give you feedback,” Synder says. “They’ll begin to call you on it.”

Be wary, too, of using excuses out of proportion to the problem or confusing excuses with lies, he adds. “Good excuse making is based on reality or a version of reality you believe. Lying is not.”