Low Cal Is Perfect for Losing

THE COLLEGES

While the Cal Zips (1-8) quietly opened up a small lead in the Bottom Ten race, Columbia (0-8) continued its never-say-live drive. The Lions gummed their way to a 29th consecutive loss, just five short of Northwestern’s record (large, lousy, school division).

Cal and Col could win bids to the Bottom Ten Bowl, which is expected to be canceled for the 21st straight year due to lack of sponsors. Speaking of prestigious bowls, Nebraska nose guard Danny Noonan admitted that when the Huskers trailed Iowa State Saturday, he told his teammates: “Do you guys want to go to the Sun Bowl or a better bowl?” Terrified at the prospect of a Sun Bowl bid, Nebraska rallied, 35-14.

Meanwhile, Nos. 7 Maryland and Clemson stage the first annual No Head Coaches Bowl Saturday. Both team’s leaders will be confined to the press box, their clipboards chained to their desks, for earlier referee-harassment infractions.

Offensive plays will be determined by a vote of the players in the huddle. Officials, apparently fearful that the coaches may break out and accost them again, will wear breakaway jerseys as a precaution.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1.Cal (1-8) 0-49, Arizona St. USC 2.Purdon’t (2-7) 7-31, Michigan Iowa 3. Stanford Band Pants Instruments 4. Columbia (0-8) 0-41, Dartmouth Cornell 5. Pitt (4-4-1) 10-37, Miami(Fla.) Rutgers 6. * 0-77, Oklahoma Okla.State 7.(Tie)Mrylnd (4-4) 15-17, Penn State Coach Clemson (7-2) Df. N. Carolina Coach 9. Tenn. (3-5) Df. Memphis St. Young Miss 10. Pentagon(17-28+) Sunk, 22-31 Top Secret

11. University of Nevada (Circus Circus) (4-5); 12. Illinois (3-6); 13. Brigham Young (6-2); 14. Cherry Bowl (0-0); 15. Oklahoma State (4-5); 16. Houston (1-8); 17. Dartmouth (2-6);18. University of Texas at El Austin (4-4); 19. Alabumble (loser of two of last three); 20. Macalester (7-2-1***).

*Name of team withheld pending notification of next of athletic director.

+Army, Navy, Air Force, The Citadel, Virginia Military Institute (Coast Guard has not returned from liberty).

***Ranked for old time’s sake. Macalester lost 70 games in row between 1974 and 1979.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Colorado (5-4) over Oklahoma (8-1).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Yale (2-6) at Princeton (2-6).

THE WET LOOK: Four offensive linemen at The Citadel were removed from a game against West Carolina recently because they had smeared petroleum jelly on their uniforms. They slipped away before reporters could question them. THE PROS

Indianapolis’ offense, nominated earlier this season for the Nobel Peace Prize, scored more than 14 points for the first time this season. But the offensive explosion of the No. 1 Dolts (0-10) didn’t mar a 21-30 loss to New England.

Miami (Fla.) (4-6), however, stayed within mathematical contention of No. 1. And Bay (Tampa) fell, 3-23, to Chicago in a game that was whistled dead in the third quarter when officials ruled the No. 9 Bucs were “in the grasp” of the Bears.

Elsewhere, Lamb Coach Jolly John Robinson defended his strategy of allowing the team to spend most of the week in New Orleans before a surprise 0-6 loss. In fact, he said he would repeat the strategy and allow the No. 8 Lambs to spend most of this week in Southern California before Sunday’s game in Anaheim against New England.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. The Indy 323* 21-30, N.England N.J.Jets 2. Bay (Green) (1-9) 7-16,Washington Bay (Tampa) 3. Miami (Fla.)(4-6) 16-26, Cleveland Buffalo 4. Air Saunders (1-1) Def. Denvelway, 9-3 Dallas 5. Pitt (3-7) 12-16, Buffalo Houston

6. The Lost Team of Atlanta (one win in last six games); 7. Denvelway offense (3 points--against the Chargers’ defense?); 8. Los Angeles Lamb offense (well, at least Denvelway scored); 9. Bay (Tampa) (2-8); 10. Dallas (6-4).

*Sunday’s loss marked 323 days since last victory.

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Battle of the Bays (special offer: first 5,000 fans who show up will be asked why they bothered).

QUOTEBOOK: Washington Post critic Norman Chad on Bob Costas of “NFL ‘86” pregame show: “Costas has grown into a high-quality studio host, learning to shift to his left when speaking to someone to his left and shift to his right when speaking to someone to his right.”