For Missouri, Reaching Basement Was a Waltz

THE COLLEGES In the wake of allegations that the Bottom Ten is nasty and un-American (and possibly un-Canadian), selectors hastily restructured the rating service Tuesday, giving it the more positive title of the Top Three Hundred.

While space considerations precluded mentioning Nos. 1-280, the selectors revealed that Missouri (0-3) rates as the nation’s 300th best major college football team. The Tigers, who won this honor by losing to former Bottom Ten great Indiana, stride forward next to clash with 295th-ranked Cal (1-3).

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 300. Mssri (0-3) 17-36, Indiana Cal 299. Hawaii (0-3) Idle Fresno State 298. UTEP (0-5) 19-55, Utah Idle 297. Tulane (0-4) 10-27, Miss Vanderbilt 296. Clmbia (0-2) 0-20, Lfytte Penn 295. Cal (1-3) Idle Missouri 294. USC (1-2) ArzSt. OrgnSt. 293. Disney (0-3) Idle SJse 292. N.D. (1-2) Prdue Pentagon 291. KnsSt. (0-4) 10-22, N.TexasSt. Oklhma

290. Washington State (1-4); 289. Wyoming (1-3); 288. Dartmouth (0-2); 287. Vanderbilt (1-3); 286. Stanford (1-2)*; 285. Cornell (0-2) (Nos. 288 and 285 may be interchanged, if reader so desires); 284. North Carolina State (1-3); 283. Minnehaha (2-1); 282. Stanford (1-2); 281. Memphis State (1-1-2) (so indecisive!).

Others not receiving votes: Some.

*Ranked first in water polo, however.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Oklahoma (1-0) vs. Kansas State (0-4).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Missouri (0-3) vs. Cal (1-3).

SPECIAL CITATION (PREPARATION DEPT.): USC was penalized for delay of game before it could get off its first play from scrimmage Saturday.

STREAKS YOU THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER LIVE TO SEE: Northwestern has won two consecutive games for the first time since 1975. . . . Indiana is 3-0 for the third time since 1928. . . . On the other foot, Kansas State is 0-4 for the first time since, well, only 1976. K-State--the new Mildcats!

THE PROS

What 1983 Super Bowl participant is being outscored by an average of 19 points per game? Why, the Washington Redfaces (1-3).

The ‘Faces jumped out to a 10-0 lead against Chicago on Sunday but sagged slightly to lose, 10-45. Lowlight of the day was a one-yard punt by quarterback Joe Theismann, who was pressed into duty when the team’s kicker was injured. Theismann’s boot didn’t go far but the hang time was impressive--and, after all, there was no return.

Meanwhile, the Curse of Macumba, now the most feared force in the NFL, continued to weave its black magic as Revitalized Orleans (2-2) upset No. 10 San Francisco (2-2), the fading Super Bowl champ, 20-17.

Macumba, you may recall, is the python that performed with a witch on a New Orleans radio station two weeks ago in an effort to lift the hex that has long dogged the Aints. Since the voodoo ceremony, the Aints have won two straight--and next they’ll be served the low-flying Eagles of Philadelphia (1-3). Macumba, heel!

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Washington (1-3) 10-45, Chicago St. Louis 2. Atlanta (0-4) 6-17, Rams San Fr’isco 3. Tampa Bay (0-4) 9-30, Detroit Chicago 4. Buffalo (0-4) 20-27, Minn. Indnpls 5. Green Bay (1-3) 28-43, St. Louis Detroit*

6. Philadelphia (1-3); 7. Houston (1-3)**; 8. Pitt (2-2); 9. “I Never Played the Game,” by Howard Cosell as bragged to everyone else; 10. San Francisco (2-2).

*At the request of CBS, the NFL has moved Thanksgiving to Oct. 6.

**Supermarket-Checker-Idol-of-the-Week Award: Oiler QB Warren Moon (sacked 12 times).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Atlanta (0-4) vs. San Francisco (2-2).

NOW THAT THE WAVE’S GONE...: Newest fan diversion at Ram games is for fans in the upper deck to toss dollar bills over the railing and watch children outside the stadium scramble for the floating loot.

SPECIAL CITATION: The Rams, who were the NFL’s top grossing team in 1984 (a reported $29.4 million), aren’t taking any chances about falling from No. 1 in 1985. Their cheapest beer now costs $2.75.