IF IT’S STUPID, IT MUST BE LETTERMAN

From Burbank, the city the ancient Incans considered a mecca for live comedy , it’s “Late Night With David Letterman . “ And now, the man who recently turned down the U.S. Vice Presidency because he would have had to miss “The Cosby Show,” Daviiiddddddd Letterman!

There was an unseasonable chill in the air on a day gloomy even by Burbank standards when the staff of “Late Night With David Letterman” moved into temporary quarters at NBC last week. And David Letterman knew why:

“It’s a combination of two things,” he explained, jockeying in his slightly used office chair to avoid getting cigar ash on his shorts. “It’s the shuttle launches, which are spewing unbelieveable amounts of radiation into the Van Allen Belt. That, and the Soviets are doing some really curious, insidious meteorological testing which will shorten our growing season, I would guess, down to like an afternoon.

“It’s just a hunch, really. . . .”

Yes, David Letterman, former weatherman with WLWI-TV in Indianapolis, the man who gave the world Stupid Pet Tricks and Larry (Bud) Melman, is in town. On Monday, a week after settling into offices previously occupied by the sitcom “Sara,” “Late Night With David Letterman,” will emanate for the first time from NBC’s Burbank lot.

The two-week move, much like the Hollywood trips Johnny Carson and his “Tonight Show” made from New York before Carson came West permanently in 1972, is seen as a needed breath of . . . well, a change of scenery.

“It’s a new environment,” said producer Barry Sand. “Even Stupid Pet Tricks--we’re doing a California version.”

“It’s a little creative boost,” Letterman added. “I myself get tired. And you have to create the illusion of not doing the same thing night after night after night.”

Even director Hal Gurnee, busy trying to convert NBC’s cavernous Studio 9 into a cozy talk-show set, overflowed with ways to capitalize on the move. “The band will wear Hawaiian shirts,” he offered as proof.

But revivification is only a partial reason for the L.A. trip. Though NBC is touting such never-before “Late Night” guests as Bo Derek, Hugh Hefner and Johnny Carson, the original impetus for the move was that the network needed a master of ceremonies at the network affiliates banquet Tuesday evening.

“I keep hoping that will go away,” Letterman said. “I have the feeling the affiliates aren’t crazy about me. I think Brandon Tartikoff promised them Bill Cosby.”

Tartikoff, president of NBC Entertainment, acknowledges that “everybody expected Bill Cosby to be the first choice, but we knew there was a conflict with dates with Cosby.” (He is booked in Las Vegas.)

The affiliates probably won’t be displeased: “Oh, I think that the affiliates would probably go down on their knees for Bill Cosby,” said Roger Ottenbach, general manager of NBC affiliate KMTV in Omaha. “But I have no problem with Letterman as emcee. I’m one of these guys who stays up late to catch up on my reading, and I usually have the Letterman show on.”

Letterman, as of last week, had no idea what to say to the affiliates. “Probably, ‘Can I freshen your drink?’ ”

Letterman’s reaction to the affiliates chore suggests that it ranks somewhere near being “dipped in suet and having owls turned loose on stage,” a concept the gap-toothed talk-show host facetiously suggested as a possibility for Melman, the occasional brunt of “Late Night” humor.

Bringing the show to Los Angeles, on the other hand, is “a field trip, like when you were in high school and you went to see dentures being made,” he said.

“I think it’s exciting just for the show to get out from the New York studio,” Tartikoff added. “I’ve been encouraging David to do things like that. The show, for the first time in its run, is now profitable to NBC. I wanted to reward the staff by suggesting they come out here.”

“Late Night” previously traveled, ever-so-briefly, to the Virgin Islands, but only with a skeleton crew. This time, NBC agreed to transport and house “Late Night’s” entire 40-person staff. That includes writers, producers and a number of production assistants, including one whose sole job is to set up Stupid Pet Tricks. (Letterman assures that it is “a full-time job, and a pretty rewarding one.”)

Last week, while NBC aired episodes of “Late Night” taped in New York the previous week, the “Late Night” staff set up shop and pre-taped several segments at exterior locales.

On Wednesday, 30 owners of cars with personalized license plates gathered in one undisclosed location. “We’re going to meet FAT BOY and FOXY LDY and I M HIP and MR SURF and all those people,” Letterman explained earlier in the week. “We’re actually going to show you the face behind the goofy license plate.”

And what if the face winds up being made fun of in front of millions?

“That’s not our hope, for them to sound real stupid. Ahhh, I don’t know. We’ll see.”

This is a semi-touchy subject. Letterman, an easygoing guy by show-biz standards, does not like hurting people’s feelings. “That’s just not entertaining. On the other hand, I probably cross the line more than I should. . . .”

Letterman said that he frequently has guests on who don’t understand that, to the host and writers of “Late Night,” stupid is a term of great respect. The worst incident occurred when Nastassja Kinski showed up with hair that looked like a candle flame. Letterman’s I-don’t-understand-these-newfangled-things approach to the new hairdo got big laughs, but Kinski “was nearly in tears when she left the studio,” he said.

“See, y’know, you show up with your hair like a Douglas fir tree, you think, ‘Well, here’s a woman who’s here for laughs.’ It’s never in my heart to think how I can mock guests on the show, but if there’s something that lends itself to a silly remark I’ll probably try and make a joke out of it. You can’t sit there with a bonsai tree on your head and not expect somebody to say something.”

Johnny Carson, who is scheduled for a “Late Night” appearance Thursday, is the one guest Letterman is almost certain not to mock--and not just because his Carson Productions is part-owner of “Late Night With David Letterman.” “He makes me very nervous,” Letterman said. “He’s the one you want to please.”

Letterman, who was a scheduled guest on “The Tonight Show” last Friday, thinks Carson’s reciprocal appearance on “Late Night” will be “very strange. I can guarantee that even if it’s the worst debacle ever in broadcasting--just ‘cause of my nerves--it will be worth watching.”

Letterman, of course, was once considered heir apparent to King Carson, and was even given his much-ballyhooed $1 million-a-year contract after his morning show failed just to keep him ready for the role.

But “Late Night” is now a success in its own right, averaging about 600,000 more viewing households per evening this season compared to last year, for a total viewership of about 3.1 million. Letterman says that is proof that the show “sells products.”

There are now, therefore, differing opinions about Letterman’s television future. Jack Rollins, “Late Night’s” executive producer and Letterman’s manager, believes that “an 11:30 period some years down the line might be the next area” for his client.

Letterman, with two years to go on his “Late Night” contract, speaks somewhat less ambitiously. “Say, Johnny, tomorrow, driving to work, gets hit by a milk truck. I don’t think they’d move us to 11:30. I think the logical answer would be Joan Rivers (as hostess of “The Tonight Show”). I would be really happy with that.

“To come in on the heels of Johnny Carson after 22 years . . . the pressure would be unbelievable. People who never had an opinion about me or our show before, people who just arrived in this country are going to start having opinions. ‘Well, we don’t like him as much as Johnny .’ ”

NBC won’t publicly speculate on this particular scenario, but the West Coast trip will not likely be the last such reward for the show, and especially, its host.

“I’ve always contended that there’s tremendous potential in David Letterman,” said NBC’s Tartikoff. “I go to sleep at night very secure knowing that both Johnny Carson and David Letterman are working for NBC--and I go to sleep late .”