COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:

How long do you want to live? It’s a tricky question. Continuing last week’s theme of the “Best Cities” for this and that, I found an interesting survey on CNN Money online — the 25 counties with the highest life expectancies in the United States.

If you want to live a really long time, I guess you have to live in one of these places.

Go ahead — ask. You’re dying to know. How did we do? Not so fast there, missy. We’ll get to the good stuff; you just have to be patient. Besides, you’ll live longer. Ready? We begin.

The county with the highest life expectancy of them all is, drum roll, please — Montgomery County, Md. If that’s where you pitch your tent, you can expect to live exactly 81.31 years at birth.

Life expectancy is always measured “at birth” because if you weigh 195 pounds in the second grade and spend the rest of your life smoking, drinking hard, not using a seat belt and slamming double-doubles at In-N-Out, you’ll be lucky if you make it to 81, let alone 81.31.

I’ve been to Montgomery County; It’s a nice suburb north of Washington. I’m not sure what the big whoop is, and people there don’t look especially old to me, but I say God bless them. They have a good score, and they should be proud.

The No. 2 county for life expectancy is Story County, Iowa, where you’ll live to be only 81.02 years old. Nothing against Story County, but you better think long and hard about passing on Montgomery County. That .29 years doesn’t seem like much now, but you won’t be so flip about it when the time comes.

The big deal in Story County is Ames, Iowa, which is where Iowa State University is. Go Cyclones.

There’s also the “…nationally respected Reiman Gardens,” according to CNN Money, “which has indoor and outdoor botanical exhibitions and a butterfly garden.” Oh, OK. I feel older already.

No. 3 on the list is Carver County, Minn., which includes the towns of Chanhassen and Chaska — as if you didn’t know that — and is “…home to more than 50 of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes and 70,000 Minnesotans who fish, sail and otherwise enjoy themselves.”

Are there really 10,000 lakes in Minnesota? I don’t see how that’s possible. Carver County weighs in at 80.98 years, which makes for a tough call, with only .04 years’ difference between Carver County and Story County, Iowa. I hate to pass on Chanhassen and Chaska, but that butterfly garden is hot.

No. 4 on the list, Collier County, Fla. Ssounds like a fun place, except that it’s in Florida. CNN Money says it “…includes the city of Naples on the Gulf coast and is the picture of Florida leisure.”

You can live to be 80.97 years old there, although I still don’t know why people live on the Gulf Coast regardless of how long they do it.

“Naples has long been a destination for artists,” says CNN Money. “Take a class at the Von Liebig Center or just work your way through the county’s 100-plus art galleries.”

OK, fine. But are there any California counties where you can live a long time? Actually, there are. Your best bet to break 80 is No. 7, Marin County, where you’ll live to be 80.82 years old. I like Marin County.

You got the Golden Gate, Point Reyes, socialism, the Muir Woods. But keep in mind you will pay the price if you opt for Marin County instead of Story County, Iowa. We’re talking about .20 fewer years — plus no butterfly garden, which is major.

All right, I can tell you’re getting antsy. So how did we do? San Mateo County was No. 12, Santa Clara County was No. 14, and we are — brace yourself — No. 23. If you live in Orange County, you can expect to live 79.7 years, assuming you go easy on the onions rings and the molten chocolate cake.

But wait, it’s worse than you think. We not only ranked No. 23 out of 25, but we also tied with Larimer County, Colo., which is the proud home of Fort Collins and Loveland. Fort Collins started as a huge Army post, and millions of people send their Valentine’s Day cards to Loveland every year so they can be postmarked “Loveland.” They also have a big gaggle of seniors who stamp each envelope with a little poem.

As if the 79.7 years, 23rd-place tie with Larimer County wasn’t bad enough, here’s what they had to say about us: “One of California’s wealthiest and most populous counties, Orange is best known as the home of Disneyland, in Anaheim, and its palm-lined streets are the epitome of suburban Southern California.” How terribly interesting.

There you have it: Chaska, Minn., butterflies and the meaning of life — expectancy, anyway. Just go easy on the deep-friend Twinkies. It’s important. I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at [email protected].