REEL CRITICS:Bloody battles in ‘300’

The Marine Corps builds men, but no one separates the men from the boys like the ancient Greeks. And if you think that’s adolescent, wait until you see the movie “300,” the blockbuster film about the legendary Battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C.

“300” is a movie that can be enjoyed by 15-year-old boys of all ages.

The Battle of Thermopylae is sometimes referred to as the Greek Alamo, where 300 Spartans stood their ground against tens of thousands of Persian invaders. Although the Spartans were ultimately beaten, they inflicted horrific casualties on the Persians and nearly defeated one of history’s largest armies.

The movie focuses on the story of Spartan King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his 300 warriors. They bravely face a massive onslaught of invaders who have no respect for the Spartan traditions of freedom, honor, and the rule of law.

The Fabio-like Spartans never surrender, and never retreat. For honor — and for glory — they fearlessly embrace death like a bloody baptism into a world of never-ending greatness. These men are fighting machines who live for no other purpose than to splatter their enemy’s blood in vivid slow motion.

But “300” isn’t just about being one of the few and the proud — it also has a political message.

Simultaneously back in Sparta, Leonidas’ wife Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey) gives a speech to the Spartan political assembly and explains that, “Freedom isn’t free. Sometimes it must be paid for with blood.”

I’d love to be able to ask the script writers, Zack Snyder, Kurt Johnstad, and Michael Gordon, whether they thought of that line all by themselves, or if they needed help from an elementary school student.

The obvious flaw in all of this is that unlike their Athenian counterparts, the ancient Spartans had no interest in representative government, freedom, education, truth, justice, equal rights, or any of that kind of effeminate nonsense. They were just stupid thugs who liked to fight, and frequently lost.

And thank goodness there are no references to the Spartans love of homosexuality. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but that would have made it more difficult to include gratuitous female nudity in this otherwise manly movie.

Like the movie “Sin City,” “300” is based on a series of Frank Miller comic books. Unlike “Sin City,” which used color sparsely, “300” fills the screen with richly saturated reds and oranges. When Leonidas screams, “Tonight we dine in Hell!” the landscape and his army are already engulfed in fiery tones. It is their destiny to die in a blaze of glory.

But it’s hard to take Leonidas seriously when his army looks like dancers from Chippendales with crimson capes and gold shields.

So “300” isn’t exactly a history lesson, but it’s a manly tale nonetheless.

If you lack imagination, belong to a medieval recreation society where people hit each other with sticks wrapped in duct tape, or believe that playing video games over a cable modem is a great way to socialize with other people, then you will absolutely love “300” and should rush to see it immediately.

For everyone else, if you’re going to watch this movie, you should try to see it on a big screen.

Sneak in after paying for a movie you really want to see, or catch a matinee after the crowds have died down.

I’d recommend waiting to see it at the dollar theater on Warner Avenue, but they still haven’t figured out how to focus their projectors.