Getting parents on the right track for kids

What word comes to mind when you think of school? For most children today, the response is “boring.”

Deborah Stipek, dean and professor of education at Stanford University, focused her talk with Laguna Beach parents on how this “school is boring” notion has become internalized in our culture. “Something is wrong with this picture of kids starting out with such high levels of excitement and enthusiasm, and by high school and college needing pills to cope with the pressures and challenges,” she stressed. When children enjoy learning, they seek challenges; learn at a deeper, more conceptual level; succeed in school; and seek learning outside of school, throughout life.

Stipek is co-author of the acclaimed book “Motivated Minds: Raising Children to Love Learning.”

Her talk addressed what we, as parents, can do to help kids respond to learningas an opportunity rather than a requirement.

The critical ingredients for learning to be enjoyable are competence and confidence (fostering an experience of “I can do it” and “I feel confident in this environment’); control (parents are encouraged to ask, don’t tell; assist, don’t control; and encourage, don’t demand); and connectedness (showing interest and listening; supporting who the child is, independently of his/her performance).

According to research findings, what matters most is what kids think they can do. There are strong belief systems that exist in the culture that suggest, for example, that girls are not as strong in math as boys, even though that may not be true. Stipek encouraged parents to become more sensitive to ways that we influence kids’ thinking because competence does not necessarily mean confidence. We need to look at why kids aren’t learning or trying harder rather than assuming it’s about being lazy or avoidant. Most often, kids don’t want to risk working harder and getting it wrong because they don’t want to “look dumb” to their peers.

Building robust self-confidence depends upon a “just right” challenge that encourages kids to grapple a little; effective feedback, involving praise that is very specific; the message of “mistakes are OK,” rather than only tracking A grades; and a focus on learning rather than performing.

When kids come home with a C or D grade, Stipek recommends that the parent assist in strategizing the area of difficulty, rather than immediately restricting privileges. Her message is to beware of becoming the enemy. Instead, parents should form a partnership so as to help the child to internalize his or her own strategies when the parent is not around.

Overall, promoting interest in learning boils down to encouraging interests and passions; encouraging creative play; modeling enthusiasm; and creating a home-learning culture where the child is engaged in conversation that sparks interest for all.