Dumb from the bottom of the heap to the top

In my days as a sentencing judge, before the drug culture and gangs took over, there was a rather rigid pecking order in our prisons.

At the top of the heap were bank robbers and safe crackers. One bank robber made national headlines when asked why he robbed banks and answered, “Because that’s where the money is.�

At the bottom of the heap were child molesters. They had to be kept segregated for their own safety. Arsonists were in a special class. No one wanted to be around an arsonist. He was as likely as not to set your cell on fire. In between were all the thieves, burglars, con men, bad check artists and assorted felons.

All of which brings up George, the dumbest burglar I ever met. He was just plain dumb.

George’s specialty was service stations. He would break into a service station and then break into the cigarette machine. Other burglars did the same, but they only took the money. George took the cigarettes too. Thus, when he tried to sell the cigarettes, the cops always caught him.

Well, he was so dumb I couldn’t send him to prison, only to the county jail. Unfortunately for George, when I was on vacation, another judge didn’t take so kindly to George and his horrendous record, and sent him to prison.

In prison, George took up welding and learned how to use an acetylene torch. Thus he went into prison an ordinary two-bit burglar and came out a safe cracker. Who says you can’t get an education in prison?

When George got out, he could hardly wait to crack his first safe. The occasion arose.

First, he made a small hole in the top of the safe and filled the safe with water so the paper wouldn’t burn up when he hit the door. Then he hit the door, got it open and grabbed fistfuls of paper money. Success! George was a safe cracker.

But George was still dumb. He tried to pass the money while it was still wet and the cops grabbed him right away. George went right back to prison, but not as a penny ante burglar. This time he went back as a safe cracker, the top of the heap.

A happy ending.

* ROBERT GARDNER was a longtime Corona del Mar resident and former judge.

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