It’s the law, but we’re not sure why

PETER BUFFA

It’s the law. Well, it is now anyway. Whenever a new year comes

along, as one just did, it always brings with it a boatload of new

laws. Some are serious, some are silly and most are, of course,

unnecessary.

But if it keeps the boys and girls in Sacramento off the streets

and gives them something to do, I say, “Why not?” In the year 2004

A.D., the Governator vetoed about 300 bills and signed about 600 into

law.

That’s a lot of bills. So settle down and listen up, because as of

right now, and until further notice, it’s the law.

Cellphone companies can no longer list their customers’ numbers in

a cellphone directory without written permission.

I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit this, and please don’t tell

anyone, but I didn’t even know there were cellphone directories.

But I’m glad they can’t put my number in one of them without my

consent, which will not be forthcoming, I might add, and I thank

whoever was responsible.

By the way, do you know you can list your cellphone number on the

national “Do Not Call Registry?” That’s the national data bank of

phone numbers that telemarketers love to hate, because they can be

fined for calling those numbers, with some exceptions.

I was skeptical about the registry at first, but it really does

work. We now get a couple of the dreaded telemarketing calls a week,

which we never answer of course, versus two or three a night in the

bad old days.

Anyway, you can register your cellphone number too, so grab your

mouse and click your way to https://www.donotcall.gov at your earliest

convenience.

Speaking of cellphones, as of Jan. 1, school bus drivers cannot

use a cellphone when they’re behind the wheel except for emergency

calls.

Apparently, the guy in the Lincoln Navigator passing you on the

freeway at 80 mph in the rain with one hand on the wheel can still

yak on a cellphone, but not school bus drivers.

In the Bad Idea file, felons with drug convictions can now qualify

for food stamps. Oh, OK, good. I’ve been worried about that.

In the Good Idea file, solo drivers in fuel-stingy vehicles like

the Toyota Prius will be able to use carpool lanes.

In the Really Bad Idea file, intravenous drug users will be able

to buy up to 10 sterile needles and syringes at a time from

pharmacies.

Perfect. Sterile needles and food stamps for drug users.

Find a supermarket with a pharmacy and you can get all your

shopping done at one time. Could we possibly get along without

Sacramento? I don’t see how.

The Totally Loopy Idea file, vis-a-vis this year’s new laws, is a

little disappointing, with one exception: Kids younger than 14 will

need a note from their doctor to use a tanning salon. I like that

one.

“To whom it may concern: Jennifer can get a tan, but she can’t

burn. Please call if you have questions -- Dr. Brubaker.”

How about the question of why kids younger than 14 have enough

money to go to a tanning salon. Is that of any interest? I guess not.

Loopy laws and strange signs

Of course, loopy laws are just a micron away from another subject

near and dear to my heart: weird signs.

The best by far are English-language signs posted in businesses

around the world, like this one in a hotel elevator in Belgrade: “To

move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should

enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.

Driving is then going alphabetically.”

As far as the power to mystify goes, Stonehenge has nothing on the

notices in hotel rooms in foreign lands, like this one in Athens:

“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of

9 a.m. and 11 a.m. daily.”

Or in Japan: “You are invited to take advantage of the

chambermaid.”

Or in Paris: “Please leave your values at the front desk.”

Actually, I though the whole country did that.

In an Austrian ski lodge, the usage is awful, but the prose is

downright lofty: “Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of

repose in the boots of ascension.”

And bless those Italians. There’s this, from a hotel in Rome:

“Fire! No fear. Always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert

men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire to

come out.” OK. Now I feel safe.

On a Swiss menu: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”

On a Polish menu: “Salad firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup

with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let

loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.” Now,

if that doesn’t make you go “mmm,” nothing will.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: “For your convenience, we recommend

courageous, efficient self-service.” I’ll try to be brave, but do I

have to touch the eels?

In a Moscow hotel lobby: “You are invited to visit the cemetery

where famous Russian composers, artists and writers are buried every

day except Thursday.” In other words, if it’s Thursday in Moscow,

better stay in your room.

From a brochure for a hotel in the Italian Alps: “Standing among

savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations and the

provision of a large French widow in every room adds to the visitors’

comfort.”

That’s fine, but are we supposed to tip her?

Last but not at all least, always pay attention to these driving

tips posted on a Japanese rental car counter: “When a passenger of

foot heaves in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at

first. If he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with

vigor.” OK, Toots, with vigor it is.

I think that’s it. If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime,

and the next time someone on a cellphone in the next lane obstacles

your passage, tootle them with vigor.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].