Film takes no command of the audience

Evan Marmol

Hailed as the best swashbuckling film ever, “Master and Commander”

capsizes under the weight of its lofty acclaim. The plot is

convoluted and tiresome, the dialogue is nothing short of uninspired

drivel, and not even the star power of Russell Crowe billow enough

water to keep this ship from sinking.

This film belongs in the Pantheon of epic films that compels

critics to review them favorably for fears of appearing remiss in

their trade, or simply dim. The truth, though, is that there are

copious amounts of dimness in this lamentable flick that evoke no

emotional responses and that seems to drag on for an eternity. The

costumes are reminiscent of combination of burlesque and

pseudo-pirate attire, with finely coiffed Shakespearean wigs to

complete the anachronistic ensemble. All of the action sequences or

near moments of suspense are rare and piteously short of beguiling.

As for a steady narrative, I challenge the audience to discover

one. Sure, there are plenty of subplots and lackluster attempts at

capturing the patrons, but the result is one long, often cloying,

failure. This film employs a combination of forced sentimentality

with a profusion of gore and brutality that never melds well. It is

my firm opinion that no audience should be subjected to this film.

‘Timeline’ waste of time

“Timeline” is the most recent adaptation to one of Michael

Crichton’s most riveting novels. The film, though, is an utter

debacle. At best, Crichton fans will be nonplused and at worst

appalled and embittered by this shameless attempt at capitalizing

from his namesake. The novel is butchered, with characters added and

removed arbitrarily, the narrative is glaringly incongruous, and to

the chagrin of patrons it is a paltry attempt at capturing the finer

aspects of the novel.

The gist of this movie is that a scientist travels to the middle

ages and he is ensnared by the strife of the 14th Century. Amid

warlords and pandemonium, the professor’s only hope rests with his

son and a group of archeologists. This coterie engages the perilous

endeavor of rescuing the professor from certain death, dismemberment

and deplorable anachronisms.

As a film, standing on its own, it has a fatuous plot, nonexistent

character development and proves to be nothing more than an exercise

in patience. To refer to the flick as lukewarm is overly generous.

Made-for-TV movies have offered more entertaining disport than

“Timeline.” This movie is wholly indefensible as anything but a truly

atrocious production. I can only recommend entering the theater for

this movie for shelter from the freezing weather; otherwise be

certain to keep it off your own personal timeline.

* EVAN MARMOL is Laguna Beach resident. He graduated from UC

Irvine with a degree in psychology and social behavior.