Advice from a former insufferable teen

This is a Mother’s Day column of sorts, but it is written for people

between the ages of 13 and 19. (No, I am not advocating teen

pregnancy. Just keep reading.)

Parents are more than welcome to read it and screen it for

age-appropriate content, but please kindly pass this on to your

teenage offspring.

I know I am young and I am far from being the foremost expert on

life. There is one thing I am an authority on: being an annoying,

insufferable teenager. Thankfully, that period of my life is over,

and my mom and I can look back on our most tiresome times and be

proud of how far we’ve come.

I am not trying to be a self righteous columnist. I’m merely a

24-year-old who is not so far removed from her own youth to remember

the challenges of being a teenager in the success-driven culture of

Southern California. But I am far enough removed to share a few

suggestions that might make the next 10 years a little easier on you

and your mom.

These are lessons I learned in my vain quest to be a

rebelliously-cool teenager. When put into effect by you, they might

help to give your mom a Mother’s Day gift that will last longer than

a dozen roses and fill her with more than breakfast in bed.

* Lesson No. 1: Keep in mind that whatever you do now that causes

your mom pain or grief will hurt you 10 times more in the long run.

I can’t tell you how often I want to call my mom up and say sorry

for no reason. I owe her a backlog of sorrys for nearly everything I

did between 1992 and 1995; a dozen occurrences in 1996; and about 30%

of 1997. I feel like I should record a tape of me saying, “I’m sorry”

over and over again, for her to play anytime she wants.

Because she is an awesome mom and loves me unconditionally, she

has long since forgiven me. But now that I have a child of my own and

look back again and again on the hurtful lies I told, or stunts I

pulled, I am ashamed. And it doesn’t feel good. Karma is also

starting to freak me out.

I’m not trying to scare you. Just be aware of this the next time

you do something stupid. It could haunt you for a long time -- longer

than a monthlong grounding.

* Lesson No. 2: Your mom really does want what’s best for you. I

know it seems hard to believe now, especially when what she is

suggesting would drop your popularity rating by a few percentage

points, but its true. Remember when your mom told you not to touch

the iron because it was hot, but you just had to feel how hot it was

anyways? It hurt. And your mother lovingly ran your little hand under

cold water, while wiping way your tears.

Your life is going to heat up in the next few years, and it will

be your choice to act on your mother’s advice or learn your lessons

the hard way. Don’t vilify your mom by thinking she doesn’t

understand or know what she is talking about. She does. Trust me, she

does.

Just like with the iron, she is only trying to prevent you from

getting hurt. Either way, she will be there to soothe the pain and

hold you while you cry, but she would rather you never get burned.

* Lesson No. 3: Be grateful.

Teenagers are selfish. It’s not meant as a slam, rather a fact of

life. You are going through a time in which you need to be concerned

about yourself: who you are, who you will become and who you will

take to the winter dance. Your mom understands you are growing up and

forging your individual identity and is probably trying valiantly to

give you your space. But that doesn’t mean her role in your life is

over.

If you are anything like me, you will hold your mom responsible

for many of the things that have gone wrong in your life. Just don’t

forget to give credit for the things that have gone right. I know it

sounds really cheesy, but a simple thank you every so often goes a

long way.

As determined as you are to “be your own person” and “live your

own life,” remember the foundation of that life was paved by your

parents. (And if you are living in this area, they must be doing

something right.) Be grateful they have given you a steady base. And

while you build on that base, remember to say thanks -- every now and

again -- for having a solid starting point.

* Lesson No. 4: Don’t leave your clothes lying around the house.

There is no philosophical, heartfelt argument for this one. Just

pick up your stuff and save your mom the headache.

So on Sunday, in addition to the flowers and special breakfast

(which are great gifts, by the way), try to incorporate these lessons

into how you treat your mom everyday.

I know you are going to need to go through your own “stuff” to

make you who you are, but these are a few things you can do to make

the road a little less bumpy for the one person who arguably loves

you more than anyone on this planet.

After all, she went through X hours of labor to bring you into

this world, not to mention nine months of swollen ankles, heartburn,

crazy food cravings and backaches.

Happy Mother’s Day.

* LOLITA HARPER writes columns Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and

covers culture and the arts. She may be reached at (949) 574-4275 or

by e-mail at [email protected].