Sensing a draft? That’s irrelevant

It may be irrelevant, but it sure is fun. Irrelevant Week, that is.

Is it that time already? No, it is not. Irrelevant Week is in

June. This is not June. This is February. But Paul Salata, a.k.a.

“Slats,” a.k.a. “Mr. Irrelevant Week,” has cooked up a new twist for

this year’s edition that is pure Salata.

I suppose it’s possible that someone around here might not know

who Paul Salata is, but I can’t imagine how.

A very brief bio:

The things that matter in Paul Salata’s life are as follows: his

family, USC, Irrelevant Week and helping people -- all sorts of

people in all sorts of ways. He is Orange County’s official master of

ceremonies and suffers from a chronic illness called advanced

kantsayno syndrome, which strikes whenever a charity calls him.

Paul was a gridiron star at USC shortly after the Lusitania was

sunk and went on to play in the NFL with the San Francisco 49ers.

When I met Paul, many seasons ago, I told him it’s always a

pleasure meeting a fellow Italian. Paul said that was great, except

his family is from the part of Italy called “Eastern Europe.” I liked

him straightaway.

More to the point, Paul Salata is the founder, guiding light,

proud papa, whatever, of Irrelevant Week. This year will mark the

28th such celebration of irrelevance. Paul sums up Irrelevant Week in

eight words: “Doing something nice for someone for no reason.”

One “someone” are the charities that benefit from Irrelevant Week.

Each year’s proceeds go to outstanding organizations such as

Children’s Hospital of Orange County, the Orange County Youth Sports

Foundation, Save Our Youth and NFL Charities.

The other “someone” is the player who snags the dubious honor of

being the last pick in that year’s NFL draft, which is how the top

collegiate players make the transition from college “big man on

campus” to NFL “bottom of food chain.”

The NFL draft is simple, assuming you’re an astrophysicist who’s

working on the relationship between sub-atomic particles and black

holes. There are seven rounds of “picks” over the course of two days

in April, during which the 32 NFL teams take turns picking the best

of the best of college football. The team with the worst record in

the previous season gets to pick first. The team with the best record

-- this year, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- picks last.

The young man who is picked dead last, having watched some 220

players being selected before him, is the true top dog in the NFL

draft, as far as Salata and company are concerned, and earns the

coveted title of “Mr. Irrelevant.”

To Irrelevant Week fans, the only reason the Super Bowl is played

is to decide which team will pick Mr. Irrelevant a few months later.

It’s interesting how the other 1.5 billion watching the Super Bowl

don’t realize that. In June, Mr. Irrelevant and his family spend a

week they will never forget in a place called Newport Beach, all

expenses paid, except for postcards and mouse ears.

And lest you think Irrelevant Week is, well, irrelevant, consider

this: The NFL draft is a major league big deal -- as in national TV

big, as in “Survivor XIX” big, as in “The Bachelorette” big.

OK, maybe not that big. But it’s big.

In recent years, Irrelevant Week has gone from a quirky charity

event in Newport Beach to a bona fide cog in the wheel of the NFL

draft. When the draft is all but done, and all the picks have been

picked save one, who do you think steps up to the microphone and

announces the very last pick in the NFL draft, i.e., that year’s “Mr.

Irrelevant?”

If your answer was anyone other than “Paul Salata,” you have

embarrassed yourself badly. Come April, watch for yourself, and you

will see our very own Paul S. announce the last draft pick in front a

national TV audience, God and everyone.

But enough of the past. Here is the new wrinkle for this year. At

the Irrelevant Week black-tie banquet, that year’s Mr. Irrelevant

receives the “Lowsman Trophy,” the perfect counterpoint to the

Heismann Trophy, college football’s highest honor.

The Heismann Trophy, provided by New York’s Downtown Athletic

Club, is a striking bronze of a runner in a straight-arm pose, with

the ball securely tucked away. The Lowsman Trophy, provided by

Newport Beach’s University Club, is just as striking, except the

player has a shocked look on his face and has just fumbled the ball

away.

This year, Salata is trying to figure out some way to ensure that

Carson Palmer, USC’s All-American, All-World,

All-Everything-Everywhere, Heisman Trophy winning quarterback, is the

last pick in the NFL draft.

With Palmer being one of the greatest collegiate football players

in history, that has about as much chance of happening as France

being grateful. But if Paul can pull this off, Carson Palmer would be

the first player in history to win a Heisman Trophy and a Lowsman

Trophy!

All right, maybe it’s not a cloned baby, but has anyone seen a DNA

test from the Raelians yet? I rest my case. This is bigger. Much

bigger.

Paul has put the word out to all his buds, which are legion, but

now he’s going national. Anyone can submit a plan to make Carson

Palmer the last NFL draft pick, and thus the first-ever

Heisman-Lowsman Trophy winner, and that includes you.

This isn’t just for instant celebrity and your very own 15 minutes

of fame, I might add. Paul Salata is personally putting up a cash

prize of $500 in American dollars for the winning plan.

The only one that has come over the transom so far is from

Pacoima, and involves kidnapping Carson Palmer and telling the press

he’s been abducted by aliens. Just before the last round, two guys in

alien suits will push him through the doors of the draft headquarters

with a note that reads, “Sorry, our mistake. He doesn’t know anything

but pass plays.”

Needless to say, the 500 bucks is still up for grabs. If you come

up with a plan, you can e-mail it to me and I will pass it on to

Irrelevant Week global headquarters.

Get busy. This is important.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].