It’s everybody’s fault but mine

Paul James Baldwin

I’m fat. And it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault I eat a big old

juicy steak and a baked potato with all the trimmings or go to

McDonald’s and eat too much. It’s not my fault I drink wine with all

those empty calories. Or a fattening dessert from time to time. I’m

fat, and it’s not my fault.

It’s the fault of my parents, each and every restaurant, and the

federal government. So I’m going to get a good lawyer and sue

everybody. I don’t care if my parents are no longer around, I’m going

to sue them.

There used to be a Tastee Freeze near McFaddens Wharf, and I’m

going to find out who the owner was and I’m going to sue him because

I used to eat burgers there. Who invented French fries? I don’t know,

but a good attorney can find out and we can sue them. How about the

co-conspirators, like the suppliers? And the people who served me all

that food that made me fat? Sue them all.

The police department that is here to serve and protect us sure

didn’t protect me from those fast food places that deceived and

coerced me to overeat. I’ll sue them too. The federal government

should have forced restaurants to warn customers that overeating

could cause obesity. This is a good basis for a class action suit.

Time to sue.

I’m going to sue all the supermarkets, too. They sell all these

food products that are fattening, even unhealthy. I’m fat, and it’s

not my fault. It’s theirs.

I’m fat, and it’s not my fault. But if you call me fat, I’ll sue

you, too, for defamation of character. Isn’t there a law against not

being politically correct?

I see no reason why I should be manipulated into accepting

responsibility for myself or any of my actions. I should have been

warned about the life-threatening effects of too many calories, the

death that can come to those who eat fried and fatty foods. Those

warnings should have been printed on every menu, and without those

warnings, I was unaware and uninformed. I have been deceived by a

great conspiracy that forced me to eat too much and not to eat

healthy enough. It’s not my fault.

It’s your fault I’m fat, and I’m going to sue you. You didn’t

speak up when you were sitting next to me when I was eating lobster

with drawn butter and you were eating that salad. You weren’t there

when I went to that fast food place to warn me that I shouldn’t eat

the hamburger, fish or chicken sandwiches. You didn’t stop me from

eating the French fries or trying the carrot cake. It’s your fault,

and I’m going to sue you.

If you don’t agree with me or like what I say, don’t talk to me.

Talk to my attorney.

* PAUL JAMES BALDWIN is a Newport Beach resident.