ROBERT GARDNER -- The Verdict

In my days as a sentencing judge, before the drug culture and gangs

took over, there was a rather rigid pecking order in our prisons.

At the top of the heap were bank robbers and safe crackers. One bank

robber made national headlines when asked why he robbed banks and

answered, “Because that’s where the money is.”

At the bottom of the heap were child molesters. They had to be kept

segregated for their own safety. Arsonists were in a special class. No

one wanted to be around an arsonist. He was as likely as not to set your

cell on fire. In between were all the thieves, burglars, con men, bad

check artists and assorted felons.

All of which brings up George, the dumbest burglar I ever met. He was

just plain dumb.

George’s specialty was service stations. He would break into a service

station and then break into the cigarette machine. Other burglars did the

same, but they only took the money. George took the cigarettes, too.

Thus, when he tried to sell the cigarettes, the cops always caught him.

Well, he was so dumb I couldn’t send him to prison, only to the county

jail. Unfortunately for George, when I was on vacation, another judge

didn’t take so kindly to George and his horrendous record, and sent him

to prison.

In prison, George took up welding and learned how to use an acetylene

torch. Thus he went into prison an ordinary two-bit burglar and came out

a safe cracker. Who says you can’t get an education in prison?

When George got out, he could hardly wait to crack his first safe. The

occasion arose.

First, he made a small hole in the top of the safe and filled the safe

it water so the paper wouldn’t burn up when he hit the door. Then he hit

the door, got it open and grabbed fistfuls of paper money. Success!

George was a safe cracker.

But George was still dumb. He tried to pass the money while it was

still wet and the cops grabbed him right away. George went right back to

prison, but not as a penny ante burglar. This time he went back as a safe

cracker, the top of the heap.

A happy ending.

* ROBERT GARDNER is a Corona del Mar resident and a former judge. His

column runs Tuesdays.