Retail Roundup

Goodness gracious, it’s that time of the week again! It’s the time

when we put on our rose-colored glasses and peruse the latest in

copywriting excess from our friends at the public relations firms.

It was George Orwell who said that advertising is “the rattling of a

stick inside a swill bucket,” but we’re sure he would have felt much more

affectionate about today’s advanced marketing techniques.

‘MICHAEL’

What would Orwell have written about “Michael,” the new scent from

fashion designer Michael Kors now available at Nordstrom South Coast

Plaza? Somehow we suspect that mentioning “swill” wouldn’t work too well

with the fragrance’s target audience.

Much better, no doubt, are the sentence fragments used in the ad copy

on the press release: “Drop-dead rich. Drop-dead gorgeous. Drop-dead

sexy.” Mmmmmm. Just reading those words makes us want to spend money.

LUNCH MEAT IS NEAT TO EAT

And let’s not forget the info we got from the nice folks at Hormel

about Spam-brand oven-roasted turkey, a product that’s been introduced

just in time for Thanksgiving. The copywriters for this tinned treat are

clearly geniuses, as evidenced by the following excerpt from their press

release:

“The cow says ‘Moo!’ The duck says ‘Quack! Quack!’ But what about a

turkey? The turkey says ‘Spam! Spam! Spam!’ ”

Brilliant, no? All that’s missing is Old Macdonald slicing up a Spam

loaf with a sharp knife and a big country smile.

Come Thanksgiving, we plan to pop a few of these meaty little devils

in the oven and surprise our guests with something really special. And we

can already imagine the comments we’ll get: “This turkey is drop-dead

rich! And drop-dead gorgeous!”

THE GOLDEN AGE

We’ll look fab at our Thanksgiving shindig, too, because we’ll have

attended the Freschezza anti-aging skin care symposium, which happens

from 7:30 to 9 p.m. Nov. 1 at South Coast Plaza.

While there, we plan to have all our wrinkles removed, our neck

tightened up, our eyes rendered less droopy and our smile permanently

stretched across the frame of our skull. Then we’ll always look drop-dead

gorgeous.

Orwell, it’s safe to say, would be proud.