postcard-from-l-a: Millennials, you literally cannot call yourselves adults until you take this pledge

I admire and adore the millennials. Obviously, it’s because I am one.

That doesn’t mean that we millennials, ages 18 to 34, can’t do better. Below is a pledge all of us should take publicly, as per a bar mitzvah or a wedding, signifying a ceremonial crossing into adulthood.

Not that I recommend adulthood. But like broken hearts or hip replacements, we all eventually have one.

“The Millennial Pledge”:

• I am entitled to nothing.

• I will show up on time.

• I will not shun comedians or college commencement speakers just because I don’t agree with them.

• Just once, I will try driving without texting.

• Just once, I will try eating without texting.

• I will not consider the cilantro on my taco to be a vegetable.

• I will learn to laugh at everything, especially myself.

• When meeting someone for the first time, I will always look him or her in the eye.

• I will not burn bridges.

• I will not burn overpasses.

• Each year, I will pen at least one thank-you note, using what’s left of my cursive writing skills.

• I will be resourceful, creative and authentic.

• I will vote. Always.

• I will (mostly) swear off smut.

• I will not be smut.

• I will learn all my siblings’ names (even the younger ones).

• I will not spend an entire weekend exploring my own mouth with a coffee straw.

• I will learn to pick my battles.

• When I don’t get my way, I will learn to roll with it.

• I will not go on a job interview in shorts and flip-flops, even if “this job is so beneath me.”

• Nothing is beneath me.

• I promise not to misuse the word “literally.” As in “I am literally dying of hunger” or “You are literally being so rude.”

• If my first-born is a boy, I promise not to name him Uber.

• When I finally move out of my parents’ home, I will not take all their vodka and half their towels.

• I will not use crowd-funding to pay for my first car.

• If I can’t afford car insurance, I won’t spend $20 a day on coffee.

• I won’t give only gift cards for Christmas.

• I won’t sneak texts during funerals even if it’s “totally boring and the dead guy is just lying there anyway.”

• At holiday dinners, I will leave my phone in my room.

• All those T-shirts? I will wash them.

• I will not use pepper spray to season a burrito.

• I will not run up my credit cards.

• I will save 10% of everything I earn.

• If I hate my new job, I will not fake my own death. I will give a full two weeks’ notice like grown-ups usually do.

• I will force myself to finally make a phone call.

• In high school or college, I will get a part-time job. Even if it’s beneath me.

• Again, nothing is beneath me.

• Well, most things are not beneath me.

• I promise not to text anything of life-changing significance: a marriage proposal, a divorce decree, a positive result.

• When I get my way, I will be grateful and not assume that I will always get my way.

• I will always remember Aristotle’s quote: “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

• At least once a week, I will hug my mom the way I hug my friends every single time I see them.

• I will do nice things just because.

• I will live each day.

• I will sleep each night.

• I am entitled to nothing but that.

[email protected]

Twitter: @erskinetimes

MORE FROM THE MIDDLE AGES:

Cutting strangers some slack (but not getting any when it comes to college loans)

How to keep your young son from becoming an old man

As a new school year begins, this dad laments a culture where ‘too soon is never soon enough’