Maybe a Soak in a Hot Tub Will Make Weaver Smile

I spend all day at Dodger Stadium working tirelessly on your behalf, which means watching Jeff Weaver pitch, and I would imagine that some cancer patients getting ready for another treatment look happier on most days than this millionaire.

He wins, and he couldn’t look more disgusted.

I go to the Dodger clubhouse and pass on the opportunity to talk to Mr. Chuckles, because Weaver and Jeff Kent on the same day is one downer too many.

I chat with the Micro Manager because in comparison with Weaver and Kent, he’s Mister Rogers, and in so many words he’s telling the media that the team now has a rallying cry: “Let’s reach for the .500 mark.� I presume he stole that from the Lakers.

I return to the office to finish writing, maybe get home at a decent hour and turn the hose on the barking dogs next door -- when I’m suddenly hit with BREAKING NEWS!

Mr. Lisa, married to Lisa Guerrero, the former “Monday Night Football� sideline reporter and Internet pinup, has been fined $25,000 for having a hot tub too big.

Now I really want to get home in case there is videotape at 11.

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IT’S MY duty, though, as a reporter to check the facts. Associated Press says Mr. Lisa has a hot tub taking up 120 square feet at his 16,000-square-foot-house in Incline Village, Nev. My daughters had smaller bedrooms than Mr. Lisa’s hot tub.

I thought about calling Jeanie Buss or Phil Jackson, because they seem to know a lot about hot tubs, but maybe the size is different when you’re married and they wouldn’t know anything about that.

I don’t have Guerrero’s phone number anymore, so I couldn’t call her husband, Scott Erickson, or Mr. Lisa, as I have come to know him.

The Dodger spokesman groans when I call. I want to talk to Mr. Lisa, and he says I could’ve done that in the clubhouse earlier. I had no idea Mr. Lisa was still on the team until the BREAKING NEWS late in the day makes mention of it.

The spokesman asks for time, I presume to call the team’s crisis managers. He calls back to say that Erickson told him there is no fine -- contrary to the AP story -- so long as he moves the tub.

I want more hot tub details, but the PR guy refuses to let me talk to Mr. Lisa. I guess they’re afraid what he might say. That’s funny, because ABC apparently was afraid what Guerrero might say when they went to her on the sideline. They’re made for each other. But I still don’t have the whole story.

Frustrated, I go home and tell the wife what has happened. She says she can’t understand why anyone would want a hot tub.

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MEMBERS OF the media were invited to play in the Dodgers’ charity golf tournament today. My invitation apparently got lost in the mail.

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CLIPPER COACH Mike Dunleavy, appearing on Colin Cowherd’s morning radio show, took a swipe at Dick Vitale’s criticism of teams who select foreign players. He said Vitale is not only misinformed, but “what he says is not true.�

“Those guys who are analysts are paid to make noise on TV,� said Dunleavy, who was a TV analyst for San Antonio, and who recently worked the playoffs as an analyst.

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THE LAKERS’ top pick, Andrew Bynum, has his own web page in which he answers questions such as, “Do you run to class because ur always late?� Bynum’s answer: “Hell no, I walk even slower.�

The Lakers really have found someone to replace Shaq.

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THE USC Marshall School of Business is sponsoring something called “Reviving a Legendary Sporting Franchise� tonight -- featuring Dodger owner Frank McCourt.

Cost for advance registration: $40. Cost at the door: $45. The chance to laugh out loud: priceless.

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MICHAEL IRVIN backed out of his commitment to appear at Tuesday night’s NFL 101/201 seminar because he didn’t get enough celebrity perks.

Sean Salisbury said he could relate. “I asked for a Snickers bar,� he said. “Had to pay for it myself.� Salisbury not only showed up but stayed throughout the evening to entertain the crowd and was joined by Ed Goren, Fox Sports president, who came off vacation with his family in Santa Barbara to speak.

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JOHN SHAW, the brains behind the Rams’ move, joined Amy Trask, the brains behind Al Davis, at NFL 101/201, and they were not booed.

Trask discussed what it’s like on NFL game day, and said, “A little piece of you just goes away with every loss,� which explains why every time I see the Raider executive she appears she’s shrinking.

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EVER SINCE Plaschke blamed L.A. fans in a June 4 column for not casting All-Star votes for Cesar Izturis, Izturis is hitting .097, but at least the fans are voting for him.

I asked Izturis whether he belonged in this year’s All-Star game, and he said, “right now -- no.� It’s a sad story, all right, so I’m surprised Plaschke hasn’t pounced on it.

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EVER SINCE Hee-Seop Choi’s three-game explosion against Minnesota a few weeks ago, he’s batting .143 -- .237 for the season -- but like dogs trained to bark on command, every time the Dodgers play rhythmic music when Choi comes to the plate, Dodger fans chant his name. That would be like Laker fans coming to their feet and cheering every time Devean George shot the ball.

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GEORGE STEINBRENNER announced his son-in-law will eventually take his place.

He’s good with crayons, but I’m not sure we’re going to make the progress needed to turn Page 2 over to the Grocery Store Bagger.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Rick Quintino:

“Now I know Jeff Kent is a surly (so-and-so), but you can’t deny the fact he is one of the greatest second baseman to play the game. Show him your respect and he will open up to you. You must know this, or otherwise you are the ultimate loser.�

I tried genuflecting -- any other ideas?

T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected]. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.