Thank Heaven for Arnold’s Little Gigi

Please, please, please, when the election rolls around next year, vote for Arnold. I’m begging you.

I speak out of pure self-interest. As today’s Page 1 story proves yet again, this guy is a columnist’s dream.

When Gray Davis was in charge, there was no chance at a story about the governor containing a name like Gigi Goyette -- much less a word like “outercourse.”

But first, the background.

My colleagues Peter Nicholas and Carla Hall report that while Schwarzenegger was running for governor and negotiating a multimillion-dollar contract to shill for muscle magazines owned by the company that publishes the National Enquirer, the same outfit was paying Arnold’s alleged former “masseuse” $20,000 not to go running her mouth.

More recently, the governor vetoed legislation that would have cracked down on the supplemental drug industry that keeps the muscle magazine advertising revenue pumped up.

But let’s keep our eye on the ball here.

The thing in today’s story that jumped out at me was the word “outercourse,” a term with which I was sadly unfamiliar. Former TV extra and commercial actress Goyette told author Laurence Leamer that she and Arnold were involved for several years and had what she called “ ‘outercourse’ because it’s like foreplay.”

Gigi Goyette.

It’s such a gift I feel like I should donate half my salary to charity.

Ms. Goyette -- who says she had annual workouts with Schwarzenegger during an Ohio bodybuilding jamboree called Arnold’s Fitness Weekend -- described their relationship to Leamer as having been “whatever we wanted it to be.... Most of the time, it was just massages, really.... I was his avenue of relaxation.”

I was just wondering: Did Arnold come up with this lingo or did she?

Let’s try it out on Arnold:

“Gigi, you look fantastic. I want you to be my avenue of relaxation. Let’s have outercourse.”

Your guess is as good as mine. All I know is that if they’re happy, I’m happy. And by the way, I don’t know who was representing Gigi in her negotiations with Arnold’s partners-to-be. But $20,000? Come on, Gigi. If you’re going to play in the big leagues, you deserve big-league bucks.

With my curiosity piqued as to the specific meaning of “outercourse,” I decided to call an expert. When Bill Clinton was unavailable, I did the next best thing. I went to Google, typed in the word, and got 15,900 hits (890 of which contained references to Clinton).

“Outercourse,” according to multiple Internet sources, involves everything but you know what.

Now I get it. Back in my day, we referred to it as “striking out.”

One website listed hugging, kissing, holding hands and petting as forms of outercourse that will reduce the worry of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

“Outercourse does take some discipline!” the website warns. “Both the man and the woman must be committed to this method, or else these exciting forms of sexual intimacy can lead to traditional intercourse.”

Oh no. Not traditional intercourse.

Other websites offered tips on somewhat more creative forms of outercourse, most of which I’m not permitted to share in detail. The problem with the Internet, though, is that you never know what to believe.

One site, for instance, lays out an outercourse scenario that involves the use of an armpit, and I can’t tell whether this is supposed to be a joke. My professional advice is that if you’re in a relationship in which this is a realistic option, it might be time to move on.

But getting back to Schwarzenegger, the man has to be credited for having the savvy to go into business with a publishing company that might have had great fun with racy allegations about the actor turned politician. Publishing mogul David Pecker -- I wouldn’t make up such a name, would I? -- told journalists the Enquirer had no intention of rehashing old gossip.

Of course, Arnold has bigger problems to worry about. After getting Californians excited with the promise of big reforms, he’s failed to deliver the goods and his popularity has plummeted.

Politics is like love that way. If you tell someone they’re going to feel the Earth move, they expect a little more than heavy petting.

Reach the columnist at [email protected] and at www.latimes.com/lopez