They Would Fall All Over Praising This Draft Too

Today from the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center in Manhattan, ESPN brings you live coverage of the 70th NFL draft, or ESPN’s first draft of announcers for its new “Monday Night Football” package, one or the other, maybe both.

We send it now to Chris Berman in New York.

Berman: “Well, as you know, if you’ve ever listened to me for 15 minutes, let alone 17 hours, you know that the Buffalo Bills have circled the wagons, the San Francisco 49ers have checked into the Hotel California and up in Detroit, site of Super Bowl 40, my man Mooch, Steve Mariucci, is ready to do great, great things this season with the Lions. Just great. So I hope that’s enough to get Mooch to take my phone call when I want to praise him about his first draft pick, whoever that pick might be.

“I’m joined here now by Mel Kiper Jr. and Chris Mortensen and, in a bit of new wrinkle this year, an active player with an active interest in today’s proceedings, St. Louis Rams’ wide receiver Torry Holt. Welcome to the team, Torry. What would you say is the Rams’ No. 1 need today?”

Holt: “Um ... a head coach?”

Berman: “Ooh, Torry. I better not go there. I’m going to need my man Mike Martz to get on the phone with me later, so I can congratulate him on his first draft pick, whoever that pick might be. Let’s go in a different direction here, shall we? So, Mort, tell me, who’s on the clock now?”

Mortensen: “We are, Boomer.”

Berman: “We are?”

Mortensen: “Yeah. We’re here to draft ESPN’s ‘Monday Night Football’ broadcast team for 2006.”

Berman: “We are?”

Kiper: “Boom, I told you to attend those planning meetings we had the last three weeks.”

Berman: “Um ... hmmm ... well ... all right, OK, I can handle a changeup. I can ad-lib with the best of them, right, guys?”

(A bone-chilling silence engulfs the ESPN set.)

Berman: “Right, guys?”

(More silence.)

Mortensen: “So, Mel, tell us, who’s No. 1 on your board of best prospects for ‘Monday Night Football’ play-by-play announcer?”

Kiper: “Al Michaels.”

Mortensen: “Of course. Experienced. Eloquent. Sure-fire Hall of Famer. An obvious choice. So, who’s next on your board?”

Kiper: “Actually, no one.”

Berman: “No one?”

Kiper: “Why bother? Here’s a quote from our boss, Mark Shapiro: ‘Al is the best play-by-play announcer of all time, in my opinion.’ What more do you need?”

Berman: “And Mr. Shapiro is always right. Good point, Mel. But, um, we do have 17 hours to fill here ... “

Mortensen: “Well, we also have to draft an analyst for ‘Monday Night Football.’ ”

Berman: “Thank goodness for that! And ... what’s this? ... I’ve just been handed a note. Let me read it on the air. It says, ‘What about me? Signed, Mike Patrick.’ That’s a good question, guys? What about Mike Patrick?”

(A bone-chilling silence engulfs the ESPN set.)

Berman: “OK. All right. And with that, let’s send it out to Mike Patrick, standing by outside the locked door of Mark Shapiro’s office. Mike?”

Patrick: “Thanks, Boomer. Let me just add one thing to the discussion here. You will not find a bigger supporter of the NFL or ESPN or ‘Monday Night Football’ now that ESPN has it, or anyone playing or coaching in the NFL than me. Or my good friends, Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire. We’d all be thrilled to keep on doing what we do, which is saying good things about the NFL and anyone playing or coaching in the NFL. And we’d say even more good things if we were doing it on Monday nights!”

Berman: “Thank you, Mike. ESPN and the NFL have always appreciated your enthusiasm. But we’re talking ‘Monday Night’ analyst now. So, Mel, who do you have at the top of your board at analyst?”

Kiper: “John Madden.”

Berman: “Makes sense. And now, Mel, we pause for your comprehensive and time-killing analysis of Big John.”

Kiper: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Berman: “Riiiiight ... Ahem. Mel, buddy, throw me a bone here. We still have 16.9 hours to fill ... “

Mortensen: “Maybe I can help, Boomer. My sources tell me that our boss, Mark Shapiro, wants to leave the analyst job open so he can fill it with a special ‘Monday Night Football’ edition of ‘Dream Job.’ ”

Kiper: “You got to be kidding.”

Mortensen: “No, Mel, that’s what my sources say. And they are highly placed.”

Berman: “Well, I for one, think that’s a sensational idea! That would be, like, the highest-rated ‘Dream Job’ ever! Score it another stroke of genius by our boss! Mr. Shapiro is always right. I mean, didn’t you all just love ‘Hustle’?”

(A bone-chilling silence engulfs the ESPN set.)

Available for viewing this weekend:

TODAY

Chivas USA at Galaxy

(ESPN2, ESPN Deportes, 7 p.m.)

The birth of a great rivalry, or so we have been told, over and over, for months leading up to their first regular-season meeting. Settle down, everybody. As soccer analyst Eric Wynalda said in an ESPN release this week: “It takes time to build the tradition of keeping score. Fans of both teams love to say they’ve got one up on you.... When it comes to big rivalries in all sports, it is about who won the last one and what’s the overall record.” Wynalda said this match “is really going to define the season for Chivas.” As for the Galaxy? Wynalda: “The Galaxy would love to stuff it in their face.”

* Indiana Pacers at Boston Celtics

(ESPN, 5 p.m.)

The Lakers’ 2004-2005 season, in 10 words or less: Gary Payton made the playoffs, the Lakers did not.

SUNDAY

* New Jersey Nets at Miami Heat

(Channel 7, noon)

Along those same lines, Shaq made the playoffs too, and could be stuffing it in the Lakers’ face for a long time this postseason. On the bright side, Laker fans, ESPN NBA analyst Greg Anthony said earlier this week that the Lakers had a better chance of returning to the playoffs in 2006 than the New York Knicks.