Grim Reality Series Needs an Extreme Make-Ovaw

By T.J. Simers

Oct. 26, 2004 12 AM PT

You know that business about being careful what you wish for, because you might be seen on Fox TV by everyone in the country, revealing the fact that almost everyone who lives in Boston is pretty ugly?

Well, you can bet it’s no accident that Fox scheduled the premiere of “The Swan,” featuring 10 “ugly ducklings,” for Monday night, after two days of World Series camera shots showing ugly people sitting in the stands at Fenway Park.

You couldn’t find a much better advertisement for plastic surgery and the need for dramatic makeovers than the first two games of the World Series.

If there were any people in the park who were good-looking, it was obvious they were just visiting or promoting a Fox TV show. In fact, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Tom Hanks and Jimmy Fallon were all at Fenway, and who did Fox spend the most time with on camera? The ugliest of them all -- even asking Fallon to talk with a Boston accent so he could get on everyone’s nerves, like everyone else from Boston.

There’s nothing wrong with being ugly -- we all have relatives. I get along fine with the wife’s brothers, Bubba I, Bubba II and Bubba III, but I can’t imagine any of them appearing on TV unless “America’s Most Wanted” decided to show one of their mug shots again.

We haven’t seen much of Boston in the World Series the last 80 years or so, so it’s shocking to see so many ugly people in one place. Like you, I just assumed the ugly people in this country were working on their farms in Nebraska.

But two days of Fox coverage has changed my mind. Fox News’ motto is “fair and balanced,” and so no matter who you are -- if you’re wearing a funny hat, praying, making a face or dropping your head into your hands -- you’re going to get on TV.

This is raw reality TV, and based on the pictures Fox has brought us, I’d have to conclude that everyone living in the Boston area who attended the first two games of the World Series is ugly, because at one time or another, the Fox cameras showed us everyone in attendance.

From my experience, ugly people will actually make an attempt to look better or dress themselves up if they’re going to be around good-looking people like you or me. But most of the fans at Fenway were dressed hideously. No sense trying to catch the attention of someone else if everyone else is ugly. Some fans wore hats or scarves to cover their faces, I presume so they wouldn’t scare the children.

Listen, when they talk about the Boston curse, it’s the curse of being so ugly. Some of that has to do with everyone residing in Boston being a miserable, cantankerous, depressing know-it-all who expects the worst in life. (I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that some of our editors have roots in Boston.)

Between pitches -- every pitch -- Fox has shown us Boston fans making faces at their own players when something goes awry, and you can see how it’s taken its toll on those poor people. The Fox cameras have also shown us that some of those people need to trim their nose hair.

AS YOU can see, the fans in Boston live and die with their Red Sox, which is understandable, because when you’re that ugly what else is there to live for?

But could you imagine the outcome of a Clipper game determining whether you’re going to be happy or grumpy the next day at work?

These people are crazy. Just think how many Red Sox fans have said at one time or another in their lives: “I’m not going to die until Boston wins the World Series.” You know how many people took their last breaths thinking their lives had not been worth living?

It’s not like that here, of course. When the Angels and Dodgers lose, we just grin and bear it, which explains why we remain the beautiful people.

I DIDN’T think there was anything that could get me to go to a Clipper exhibition game, but I suppose I can leave after halftime.

The California Lottery and the Clippers have invited media representatives to compete in a shooting contest during halftime of Thursday’s game with Phoenix -- with the media winner earning $2,500 and two seats to 20 Clipper games for the charity of his or her choice.

Those shooting include KCBS-TV’s Jim Hill, who wears Beverly Hills suits worth more than $2,500; KABC-TV’s John Hartung, and I’ve never heard of the guy; KTLA-TV’s Damon Andrews and Michaela Pereira, and I’ve been meaning to watch them because they’re fellow Tribune employees; FSN West 2’s Michael Eaves, trained by Jack Haley; KMPC 1540’s Petros Papadakis, who shouts all the time because 1540 has such a weak signal; Brad Turner, a reporter for some shopper; and Page 2.

CHARITY SHOOTOUT update: An injury, which I’m sure I will suffer before Thursday, will force me to have one of my daughters, Mrs. Grocery Store Bagger, shoot in my place.

The kid will be shooting on behalf of Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA. Times employee Mike Faneuff has already pledged an additional $100 to the hospital if the girl beats all the other media types.

Other pledges will also be accepted here, because I can’t imagine Faneuff is the only one who’d like to see Mrs. Grocery Store Bagger have at least one more exciting night -- in what must otherwise be a pretty dreary life.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an anonymous phone call.

“You have no shot of ever making the USC Hall of Fame.”

I tried “star 69,” but apparently it doesn’t work with Mike Garrett’s phone.

T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected]. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.