What Would Bob Say?

The Burbank Airport was rechristened in December to honor Toluca Lake resident Bob Hope--comic, entertainer and master of the well-timed quip who died in July at the age of 100. What zingers might the man himself have let fly at the Bob Hope Airport dedication ceremony? Says Ward Grant, a longtime Hope publicist who helped craft the airport dedication speech given by Johnny Grant, “Hope would have done a monologue on no-frills flights.� We asked a few veteran Hope joke writers for some levity.

From Gene Perret, who traveled around the world with Hope as a joke writer from 1969 until 1996:

* “I’ve been to some dedications that were ‘black-tie only.’ This is the first one where you have to take off your belt and shoes and pass through a metal detector.�

* They wanted to name it the Arnold Schwarzenegger Airport, but that name wouldn’t fit on the terminal building.�

* “I would have been satisfied if they just let me park in the white zone.�

* “I think this is the least they could do for someone who knew Orville and Wilbur Wright personally.�

* “I was planning to give a long speech, but the airport authorities felt the wind socks might not be up to it.�

* “This is nice. We have the Bob Hope Airport with the Phyllis Diller Runway. That’s the runway that’s always being repaved.�

* “In Nashville, they have Dolly Parton airport. It’s the only one in the country with two control towers.�

From Gene’s daughter, Linda Perret, who was a writer on Hope’s 90th birthday telecast:

* “I spend a lot of time at airports. I’ve been involved in more arrivals than the Osmond family obstetrician.�

* “Having an airport named after you is quite an honor ... and the only way they’ll let you ride on the luggage carousel.�

* The only person who’s flown more than me and doesn’t have an airport named after him is Dean Martin, but then again, Dean never used a plane.�

Author and humorist Martha Bolton was a Hope staff writer for 15 years:

* “It’s an honor to have an airport named after me ... especially since all the oceans are taken.�

And finally, a few words from Bob himself on the topic of air travel:

* “I don’t want to say they put me on an old plane, but Lindbergh’s lunch was on the seat.�

* “I don’t mind flying on an old airline, but in front of the pilot?�