A Sporting Method to Disarm Saddam

If only the Richard Nixon Library & Birthplace had a grander vision of itself. Forget the seminars, funerals and bar mitzvahs that it schedules.

“Ladies and gentlemen, world leaders, pundits and fight fans everywhere ... from the grounds of the Richard Nixon Library & Birthplace in beautiful Yorba Linda, Calif. ... the Nixon family and Budweiser, the king of beers, are proud to present 12 rounds or less of boxing to determine the fate of the world.

“In this corner, in red trunks with blue and white trim and representing the Free World minus a few former allies -- he weighs in at a trim 183 pounds -- the president of the United States, George W. Bush!

“His opponent sports black trunks with maroon trim and tips the scales at 211 pounds. The dictator of Iraq, Sa-a-a-a--dam Hussein!

“The third man in the ring tonight is the very capable Kofi Annan.”

The fighters adjust their mouthpieces and meet in the middle of the ring.

“Gentlemen,” Annan says, “we went over the rules in your dressing rooms. I want a good clean fight. Obey my commands. Saddam, remember to put out your cigar.”

At the bell, Saddam charges across the ring and throws an overhand right that Bush sidesteps. The force of the blow sends Saddam partly through the ring ropes. Righting himself, he turns to see Bush smirking.

Bush circles to his left, moving easily. Saddam is flat-footed, an old-school boxer. Bush connects to Saddam’s midsection, causing his flesh to jiggle. Saddam spits out his mouthpiece, getting a temporary reprieve. Bush smiles but doesn’t press the attack, content to let Saddam reveal the extent of his arsenal.

Round 2 begins, and Saddam already is breathing heavily. Between rounds, he’d tinkered with his gloves and after Bush peppers him with jabs and a body shot that find their mark, Saddam’s gloves come unlaced. He asks the referee for a delay, but -- suspecting a stalling tactic -- Annan gives Saddam one minute. His corner takes 10.

When Bush resumes the attack, Saddam claims Bush gouged him. Saddam then knees Bush in the groin, causing him to crumple and requiring five minutes to recover. Angered, Bush unloads a barrage that forces Saddam to clinch. “You should have taken exile,” Bush says. “You hit like a Kurdish peasant,” Saddam says. After a combination wobbles Saddam, Bush whispers, “Dad says hi,” as the bell rings to end the round.

Saddam slumps on his stool. An Iraqi general working his corner tells the referee he can’t find Saddam’s mouthpiece and asks for a postponement. Annan finds the mouthpiece in the general’s mouth.

Bush bores in as Round 3 begins, intent on ending things. Thirty seconds into the action, a right-hand lead sends Saddam careening into the ropes. Bush raises both hands above his head and moves in. A 20-second flurry of head and body shots leaves Saddam out on his feet.

“Stop the fight!” someone yells from ringside. It is French President Jacques Chirac.

Annan sends Bush to a neutral corner.

“What’s your name?” he asks Saddam.

“Nebuchadnezzar.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“The Imperial Palace in Baghdad.”

“Do you want to continue?”

“Continue what?”

Annan waves his hands to end the fight.

At his post-fight press conference, Bush announces the recall of 200,000 U.S. troops from the Persian Gulf. Saddam, as per the pre-fight agreement, surrenders to U.N. officials and will face charges before a war crimes tribunal.

“It’s like I told him,” Bush says. “His time is running out.”

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821, at [email protected] or at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626.