Adopt-a-dictator

In a last-ditch bid to avoid war with Iraq, diplomats are trying to persuade Saddam Hussein to go into exile. The question is: Where to send him? All the traditional places -- Elba, Siberia, Madonna’s next movie -- are unavailable. Although Hussein told Dan Rather he’d never leave Iraq, negotiators haven’t given up. But they are getting desperate for ideas.

Does MTV’s “Real World� need a new roommate for its Las Vegas pad? Would Sean Penn be willing to welcome Hussein as a houseguest?

As a public service, we contacted various sources to see if they might have a place in their hearts and homes for a deposed Iraqi dictator:

Orkin Pest Control

Given Hussein’s expertise with deadly chemicals, a job in the pesticide industry seemed like a good bet. “Um, we could test pesticides on him,� company spokeswoman Martha Craft suggested. “Or rodenticides. But we wouldn’t want him on the operating end of a sprayer.�

Fox TV

On the heels of “Joe Millionaire,� Fox could produce a new series called “Joe Dictator,� in which 20 beautiful women compete to become Hussein’s mistress. During the courting process, Hussein would tell the women he’s the potentate of an oil-rich Middle Eastern nation. Not until the final episode would he reveal the truth -- that he has been driven from power and doesn’t have a single weapon of mass destruction to his name. Will the woman he chooses still love him?

Mike Darnell, the Fox exec in charge of “alternative series,� declined to comment on whether the network would be willing to make this contribution to world peace.

World Wrestling Entertainment

If professional wrestling needs a new bad guy, we have the perfect candidate: Saddam Insane. WWE spokesman Gary Davis agreed: “If we could make him a professional wrestler who gets beaten into oblivion each week on ‘Raw SmackDown,’ then, yes, we could find a home for him.�

Sean Penn

An ardent antiwar activist, the actor recently bought a $56,000 ad in the Washington Post to urge peace and visited Baghdad on a “fact-finding� mission. Would he be willing to go the extra mile and adopt Hussein as a houseguest?

Penn’s publicist, Mara Buxbaum, was not amused by the question. “It seems highly inappropriate and offensive to include Sean in your article,� she said. “If you’re going to mention him, I will be contacting his lawyers.� Buxbaum noted that during Penn’s trip to Iraq, the actor never said anything kind about Hussein. “He called him a tyrant,� she said.

UCLA

Can anything snap UCLA’s basketball team out of its slump? How about a strong disciplinarian as assistant coach? “Is this a joke?� asked athletic department spokesman Marc Dellins. “We don’t want any part of it.�

“The Real World: Las Vegas�

Is there room for one more stranger in the infamous hot tub? Would Trishelle consider hooking up with an elderly ex-dictator? A publicist for MTV said the producers didn’t want to comment.

Hearst Castle

As the owner of 78 presidential palaces, Hussein would probably be an excellent groundskeeper for the former estate of William Randolph Hearst.

Unfortunately, state park employees must pass a rigorous background check, said spokesman Dan Eller: “He’d never make it.�

Esalen Institute

Does Big Sur’s touchy-feely New Age center need a new workshop leader? “I like the idea of him running an anger management program,� said Esalen spokesman David Price.

Executive recruitment firms

As the CEO of Iraq, Hussein has a management style that might transfer to the corporate world. Outplacement expert John Challenger, of Chicago-based Challenger, Gray and Christmas, said Hussein could market himself as a hatchet man for hostile corporate takeovers.

He could be another Al “Chain Saw� Dunlop of Sunbeam or “Neutron Jack� Welch of General Electric, both known for heavy layoffs, Challenger said. “We could call him ‘Anthrax Saddam.’ �

If all else fails, perhaps Hussein could find employment with the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety as a crash test dummy.