Pumping Irony, These Moguls Had No Shame

It wasn’t easy being a media mogul in 2003.

One octogenarian billionaire and his bride felt the need to register at not one but two department stores, seeking items including a coffee grinder and steak knives. Another Hollywood titan refused to pay rent on a $17-million apartment because of mold.

For most entertainment executives and their stables of stars, though, the hardest thing of all was simply not stepping in it.

Maybe he was referring to the man’s wallet ...

During an investor conference, mogul Barry Diller referred to “that fat Marvin Davis� when talking about the billionaire’s attempts to buy Vivendi Universal, even though Davis had lost more than 130 pounds.

A truly horrendous and awful performance ...

In his book “I Don’t Mean to be Rude but ... ,� Simon Cowell, the acerbic star of Fox’s “American Idol,� botched the name of network chief Sandy Grushow, referring to him as “Grushmaw.�

The one of him raising his right hand was especially poignant ...

Billionaire and MGM owner Kirk Kerkorian bought from a courtroom artist five sketches showing him testifying in his shareholder lawsuit against automaker DaimlerChrysler.

Hollywood’s animal rights activists are going to love him ...

Rep. W.J. “Billy� Tauzin (R-La.), the front- runner to take over from Jack Valenti as head of the Motion Picture Assn. of America trade group, bought a ranch in Texas to use as a private hunting club.

He’ll get to the budget crisis right after he finishes the box of Oreos ...

In a special interview for the DVD release of the bodybuilding classic “Pumping Iron,� Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said of a marijuana-smoking scene: “I really smoked it, and I also inhaled, unlike some people claim.�

For an extra $25,000 he might have played “The Macarena� ...

A video entered into evidence at the fraud trial of former Tyco International Chairman L. Dennis Kozlowski showed a $250,000 private performance by singer Jimmy Buffett at a birthday party for Kozlowski’s wife.

Calling it a “riveting thrill ride� would be going too far ...

Ads for “Gigli,� the box-office dud with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez that received some of the most scathing reviews in years, included these blurbs:

-- “Original with a Surprising Twist.� (Byron Allen, EntertainmentStudios.com)

-- “Sexy and Fun.� (Sandie Newton, KTVT-TV)

Unfortunately, the ad wasn’t large enough for these ...

-- “More stupefying follies may come, but it’s impossible to imagine how they’ll beat this one for staggering idiocy, fatuousness or pretension.� (Wall Street Journal)

-- “ ‘Gigli’ doesn’t need a review; it needs an inquest. The movie is dead on arrival.� (San Francisco Chronicle)

-- “Nearly as unwatchable as it is unpronounceable.� (The Times)

The big bomb that could ...

“Gigli� opened this month as the eighth-most-popular video rental.

Not only that, it hurts Johnny Mathis and Mannheim Steamroller sales ...

Music labels admitted they had scores of their employees record Christmas albums to qualify them as Grammy voters.

It’s the thought that counts ...

The wedding registry at Bloomingdale’s and Neiman Marcus for billionaire Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone and his bride included a $7 salad server set, $22 napkin rings, a $29.99 coffee grinder and a $39.99 set of steak knives.

OK, but that’s plenty of time to swipe a doughnut from the craft services table ...

Disputing claims by conservatives that she influenced the CBS-canceled miniseries “The Reagans,� starring her husband, James Brolin, Barbra Streisand published a “Truth Alert� on her website saying: “Ms. Streisand was on the set of The Reagans for a total of only 4 hours of one day.�

Let’s hope his predictions to Wall Street are better ...

After Walt Disney Co.’s Mighty Ducks of Anaheim beat the New Jersey Devils in overtime in Game 4 of the Stanley Cup hockey playoffs, Chairman Michael Eisner was quoted in the New York Post as saying: “We’re going to end it in six. We’re going to end it here on Saturday night. We deserve to win it and we will win it.� (The Ducks lost in seven games.)

Tony Soprano might view it as a threat ...

Eisner also was quoted as saying: “I don’t want to get into trouble, but our fans here were on fire and the fans in New Jersey were dead; they were dead.�

Featuring Verizon Wireless Buttered Popcorn ...

Universal Studios shopped around the rights to put a corporate name on its 18-screen multiplex at CityWalk.

If you think that’s bad, you should see him at a Knicks game ...

The son of the late satirical bandleader Spike Jones in court papers called “frightening� director Spike Lee’s efforts to claim ownership of the name in a lawsuit seeking to stop the launch of Viacom cable channel Spike TV.

Yet another Manhattan landlord horror story ...

Vivendi Universal Chairman Jean-Marie Messier stopped paying the company rent on a $17-million Park Avenue apartment he was living in, citing a mold problem in the building.