To Be First Action Hero in Office, Arnold, Keep Your Mouth Shut

Stock up on refreshments, cancel all out-of-state travel plans and get the children away from the television. The summer blockbuster of our lives goes into statewide release today.

Can Gov. Gray Davis hold off the Republican posse and a Democratic mutiny?

Can a low-brow movie star jump from one grubby money-driven industry to another?

Can we please televise a three-way debate with Larry Flynt, Bill Simon and Angelyne?

At the filing deadline, more than 100 people had entered the run for governor. The scene at the L.A. County registrar’s office resembled tryouts for a John Waters film.

This is the best summer I’ve had in California since the year I discovered girls. The only challenge in writing about the recall hoopla is that it slides further past irony each day.

Take Friday, for instance.

Peter Ueberroth, a widely respected Republican with decades of problem-solving leadership, called and told me he’s running a clean campaign without a single personal attack or negative ad. It’s going to be all issues, all the time.

Meanwhile, box-office action hero and Republican candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger stumbled out of the blocks in his first interviews, ducking and dodging issue-oriented questions as if they were grenades.

That same day, the White House chose its man.

The one with the sparkling resume and the keen mind?

Wake up, friend. President George Bush is impressed by the guy with the abs.

“Yes, I think he’d be a good governor,� Bush said of Schwarzenegger.

You see what I mean? Right from the beginning with the recall, political reality has trumped anything I could make up.

We’re told the recall is about voters getting angrier, smarter and more determined to put an end to so much political nonsense, and the president of the United States of America endorses a candidate with less experience than a junior high class president.

Obviously, this means the White House believes Schwarzenegger’s got a chance, based on name recognition and money. If Arnold wins and doesn’t completely embarrass himself in office, Bush figures there’s an outside chance the Terminator can deliver California to Team Bush next year.

With so much at stake, I’m going to give Schwarzenegger some solid advice, entirely for free. Pay attention, Arnold, because you won’t get counseling this honest from any of the sycophants running your campaign.

As critics take shots at your lack of experience or your reluctance to answer questions, you will experience a strong temptation to start talking, at least in vague terms, about real issues.

Resist this urge at all costs.

Yes, I know you’re reading “State Government for Dummies,� and I know your obedient staff is feverishly scribbling out cheat notes for you to memorize, and I even know you’re a reasonably intelligent guy. Well, you’re rich, anyway.

But I repeat: Resist substance at every turn.

Already, you’ve seen what can happen. You want to bring jobs to California, but you don’t have a clue how to do it. You want to spend more money on schools and teachers, but drop the newly increased car tax. This doesn’t add up and, more important, it doesn’t play to your strength.

When legions of the great unwashed show up to cheer your every public appearance, as if Gandhi had come to town, do you think they’re going to vote for you based on a 16-point restructuring of state government?

No. Your only chance is that your celebrity gets you elected. Let Ueberroth bore them with details while you stick to mugging, strutting and generic mutterings. If you were to talk issues, it’d be like Abe Lincoln going around saying, “Hasta la vista, baby.�

You’ve got to stay inside yourself, as baseball players love to say, and you can’t do better than when you said:

“I’m running for governor and I promise you that I will be the people’s governor. I will be there for everybody, young and old, men and women alike, it doesn’t make any difference.�

It’s not Reagan, but standards are falling lower every day.

You said that, by the way, while bumping into and then hugging another candidate. Arianna Huffington then reminded everyone yet again that she drives a hybrid and you drive an SUV.

Trust me, Arnold. You don’t need to worry about Arianna, even though, as another Brentwood gazillionaire like you, she also claims she’ll be “the people’s governor.�

But do not hug any of the serious candidates. In fact, don’t even get within six miles of any of them, especially Ueberroth.

And as for media, do not, ever, even if someone puts a bazooka to your head, return a call from me. It just won’t do you any good. If I were you I’d book the Larry King show every night of the week and twice on Sundays, and not talk to anyone else.

If you have nothing relevant to say, or you’re guilty of something but maintain your innocence -- or even if you’ve once met Elizabeth Taylor -- Larry’s is the show to do. It’ll be nothing but softball questions and, “How’s the family -- a great family, by the way,� with people calling from Pennsylvania to ask if you actually fired all those weapons in your movies.

You’re way ahead in the polls.

Don’t screw it up by opening your mouth too much.

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Reach Steve Lopez at [email protected].