Spinning Parallel Races in Opposite Directions

Quick, now--which section of the paper are these quotes from?

“The real deal ... attuned to character ... defying everyone’s expectations.�

Observations about the three top GOP guys running for governor? Wrong. Good, but wrong.

They’re from ads for Oscar-nominated movies, which got me to thinking of these two big campaigns being waged simultaneously--for governor, and for the Academy Awards.

We talk about them both as “races.� February would be a far more engaging month if the people running for governor campaigned as if they were angling for an Oscar, and the other way around.

This is the 74th time around for the Oscars, but only the third March primary for California, so the Oscars have a big jump in the spring offensive.

They wage their trench warfare in newspaper and TV ads, and they can mix it up.

Three years ago, Gen. Miramax fixed bayonets and spent $15 million charging over the top on behalf of “Shakespeare in Love.� The DreamWorks axis defending “Saving Private Ryan� was overrun, just like the PR budget.

See? These guys are made for politics.

Politicians hang around factory gates and lunch counters; best-acting nominees could do some shoe-leather campaigning:

Sissy Spacek works the dining room at Eurochow, beats a path between the two Starbuckses on Montana Avenue, loiters at Barneys, glad-handing the movie people trying on four different jackets, all black.

Will Smith hires a lush campaign bus for a “victory tour� of voter-rich academy haunts from Studio City to Santa Monica, Brentwood to Beverly Hills.

Renee Zellweger, who put on 20 pounds to play Bridget Jones, ups her numbers by courting the zaftig vote and the bulimic vote in the ladies’ rooms of any restaurant in 90210.

Ian McKellen takes his plummy vowels to Venice: How d’you do. Ian McKellen--I’d be so grateful for your vote for best supporting actor--yes, indeed, as Gandalf. Oh, from Iowa? Just visiting, are you? Well, well ... it seems all Americans do sound alike.�

To parallel the GOP primary, we’d have a televised directors’ debate among Ridley Scott (he got nominated, but “Black Hawk Down� didn’t), David Lynch (ditto on “Mulholland Drive�) and Baz Luhrmann (“Moulin Rouge� got nominated but he did not).

They could make nice and promise to break bread the morning after, whoever won.

Or they could go negative: One of my opponents reputedly flunked out of Young Filmmaker Camp in sixth grade.... One of my opponents has walked into this competition without ever having paid his dues, never serving as second assistant assistant second-unit director, never having so much as changed the oil on an editing machine.

The Sunday talk show lip-flappers would size up the Oscar race on their terms:

Robert Novak on “A Beautiful Mind�: Russell Crowe as a hush-hush math whiz? Another typically failed federal program! And since when do we need foreigners in top-secret jobs?

James Carville on “Gosford Park�: Knock this ‘Upstairs-Downstairs’ world upside the head! This is what we fought a revolution foah!

Bill O’Reilly on “Lord of the Rings�: More politically correct dreck--Orwellian special effects to make tall actors short! What next, mandatory booster seats on every barstool and toadstool in Middle-earth?

Two multimillionaires, Dick Riordan and Bill Simon, and a politician-farmer, Bill Jones, are running in the GOP primary. In the academy’s universe, the Jimmy Stewart-just-folks guy always outfoxes the rich guys. In politics--dream on.

If a casting agent were handling the trio, they might wind up thusly:

Jones: the loyal best friend, the one who doesn’t get the girl, a role often filled by ... Ronald Reagan.

Riordan: the funny guy, the one the girls surprise everyone by falling for.

Simon: the nerdish guy who thinks he might be Clark Kent but can’t persuade anybody else of it.

Ebert and Roeper would weigh in:

Jones: A farmer? Two green thumbs!

Riordan: All thumbs!

Simon: So rich he doesn’t need to thumb!

There’s one thing the Oscars have that California politics could do well to imitate. You can bet the back lot that voter turnout among the 5,739 voters of the academy is something higher than a wretched 50%.

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Patt Morrison’s columns appear Mondays and Wednesdays. Her e-mail address is [email protected].