Reshaping Journalism: The New Scalpel Wars

The war on terrorism has spawned some heroic journalism in the face of death. But it’s also brought out the worst in journalism. I speak, sadly, of my colleagues in broadcasting--not of their reporting, some of which has been first rate, but of the style wars they’ve embarked on.

First, the buzz was about MSNBC’s Ashleigh Banfield, she of the trademark eyeglass frames, who made a huge splash by shading her blonde shag a dull brunette, and donning a burka. The New York Times dubbed her “a style icon.” Then it was Paula Zahn, whose “just a little bit sexy” ad campaign with the zipper soundtrack was pulled after CNN--in a happy glare of publicity--shed crocodile tears.

Now, the formerly obscure, sobersides legal commentator Greta Van Susteren has landed the cover of People by getting an eye-tuck before jumping from CNN to the Fox News Channel. To be sure, it was an eye job preceded by a publicity campaign that made Fox News chieftain Roger Ailes’ previous PR coup, the Willie Horton campaign, look like it was done by amateurs. But still, an eye job. Banfield must be crying in her burka.

The Battle of the Cable Network Narcissi is the big post-9/11 media story, and more is sure to come. What follows is a cautionary tale of cable-news scalpel wars allowed to rage unchecked.

Feb. 18: Ashleigh Banfield parachutes into an Olympics medal ceremony, her new double-D cup bust crowned by two lit Olympic torches. She offers to mail the phone number of her surgeon to anyone who switches over to her exclusive interview with Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat. Arafat extols Banfield’s new look, and MSNBC’s ratings edge out Fox News Channel’s.

Feb. 20: Paula Zahn launches her own infomercial campaign, “Some of us don’t need surgery.” The 20-minute spots survey Zahn’s previous career as a beauty contestant: the triumphs, the defeats, the poignant story of how she came to terms with a Miss Congeniality award instead of first place. A highlight reel from Zahn’s swimsuit competitions is shown split-screen with testimonials from male stars, including Ben Affleck and Buddy Hackett on why they prefer Zahn’s blond perkiness to that of Banfield or Van Susteren. The infomercial ends with a fade-to-black shot of Zahn tugging at the oversized front zipper of her black latex tank. CNN’s ratings soar.

Feb. 22: Fox News chairman/ CEO Roger Ailes makes good on his post-Van Susteren promise to “have my whole body done,” appearing in a guest spot on NBC’s “Will and Grace” looking suspiciously like Ben Affleck. Ailes announces mid-episode he will appear on the next day’s “The O’Reilly Factor,” sending Fox’s overnight numbers through the roof.

Feb. 23: In despair over Ailes’ coup, NBC News president Neal Shapiro asks “Dateline NBC” Jane Pauley to undergo a chiseling. She refuses, but her husband, Garry Trudeau, launches a new Doonesbury comic-strip story line about a wartime plastic surgeon performing media makeovers under fire. MSNBC’s ratings drop below the Pet Channel’s.

Feb. 25: Ailes sends commentator Judith Regan to Van Susteren’s surgeon, and the publishing rep comes back looking like Britney Spears. Taliban Mullah Mohammed Omar is captured on live TV, but Ailes decides to stick with footage of Regan showing Bill O’Reilly Spears’ moves from the singer’s Pepsi Superbowl commercial. Fox beats CNN and MSNBC by a landslide.

Feb. 27: On rumors that NBC network president Andrew Lack has ordered Katie Couric to submit to a sculpting, the “Today” show opens to double ratings. Couric appears unchanged; Ailes files an unfair competition charge with the Federal Communications Commission.

Feb. 28: Osama bin Laden is led in chains out of the Empire State Building, where he’s been posing as a tour guide. But CNN News Group Chairman Walter Isaacson declines to cut from Zahn’s live report on congressional testimony at the Botox legalization hearings from Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson. His judgment is confirmed when CNN wins the coveted 18-35 male demographic, hands-down.

March 3: Banfield sheds her trademark horn-rims and appears on air with spooky fire-eye contact lens like shock rocker Marilyn Manson’s. The move backfires, and MSNBC’s ratings dip below those of Pax-TV.

March 5: In a valorous comeback, Banfield dons a rainbow wig, rubber nose and bikini and discusses Brazilian waxing with Condoleezza Rice. MSNBC ratings hit an all-time high.

March 17: Christiane Amanpour undergoes her own, undisclosed surgery, and CNN announces that she will henceforth appear under the name Christopher Amanpour. “The only way to get respect on TV news is as a man,” she says.

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Gale Holland is a Los Angeles journalist.