Here’s the Sales Pitch: If You Lived Here, You’d Be Homesick by Now

I love to hear the hills whisper, don’t you? It’s so much better than when they’re screaming, yelling and carrying on. Honestly, is there anything worse than noisy hills?

That’s probably why builders chose Whispering Hills as the name for a planned housing tract in South County. I saw a map of the proposed tract and a new high school to be built near it, and on the newspaper page it looked like a little piece of heaven.

But then, right next to it--apparently less than a mile away--the map showed a landfill. Back in Nebraska, we used to call those places dumps. I don’t know if the landfill is staying or going once people move in, but I bet if it stays, the developers won’t be touting it to future residents.

That’s the kind of stuff that bugs me, especially living in a county that abounds in housing developments with enticing names. What if future developments were named in a way that explained to prospective buyers exactly what life would be like?:

Clattering Rails--From the moment your family moves into this rustic country getaway, you’ll feel like you’re back in the 1870s. Spacious three-bedroom homes, close to jobs and nearly encircled by Burlington Northern & Santa Fe Railway tracks. If you’re tired of freeway noise, come on out and sample the terrifying sound of a train whistle at any hour of the day or night. Pets not advised.

Smoking Timbers--Hard by the Cleveland National Forest, this community in east Orange County offers the usual amenities, plus the ever-present threat of a fast-moving brush fire. Homes come with three-car garages (got an SUV?) and 300 feet of high-pressure hoses with adjustable nozzles.

Landing Point--Experience life in the heart of Orange County with a bird’s-eye view of an international airport. From your balcony, watch jets take off and land as you forget your cares in this suburban oasis. Dislike pointless conversation? There’ll be none, because you won’t be able to hear yourself think, let alone your housemates. Easy terms available.

Sump Towne--We like what we’ve done with these spiffy one- and two-bedroom condos that run along one of the county’s most polluted streams. Outer walls have been affixed with additional layers of siding in an effort to minimize the incredible smell emanating from the runoff. These are designed as starter residential units, because it’s highly unlikely anyone will be able to stand it for more than six months.

Itchy Fingers by the Sea--An experimental village in which residents are allowed to carry firearms. The clubhouse features both upstairs and downstairs firing ranges. Regularly scheduled social events will include nightly anger-management classes. No felons, please.

Sardine Villa Pointe--See if you can cram your family into one of our units. You’ll be amazed how we put 150 single-family homes onto a former Kmart parking lot. Your youngsters will be able to leave their bikes at home and walk to one of the three new schools opening next fall, with projected enrollments of 4,200 each and one teacher for every 73.2 students.

Biker Hideaway--The first of its kind in the nation, this idyllic retreat caters to people in the federal Witness Protection Program. As such, there is a 50% set-aside for former Hells Angels members who rat out their former drug-running pals. Twisting walkways, flowered gardens and 24-hour armed guards in turrets distinguish this from run-of-the-mill developments. No children, unless they’re also in the program. Use your real name and receive a security-deposit waiver.

Shifting Sands--Sign our lease and the beach is a half-mile from your doorstep--for now. A major fault line will make insurance hard to come by, but the silt foundations a few feet beneath you are likely to wash away first.

Global Village--An exclusive gated community that we’re limiting to 50 families. In keeping with our covenant, no two families will be of the same ethnicity or speak the same language. All amenities, including community room. Children welcome.