Apparently, Screaming Is All Jackson Can Hear

I would imagine when this miracle season is over, the Lakers have won a fourth title in a row and Phil Jackson is writing his book, “It Wasn’t Michael, It Wasn’t Shaq, It Wasn’t Kobe -- This Time It Was All Me,� the truth will finally come out.

At this time, of course, we’re only left to speculate after the Lakers’ jarring turnaround against Dallas and read between the lines when he says: “Undoubtedly, it’s an emotional lift [for] a team that’s been playing under duress,� from the ridicule heaped upon them by “sportscasters and from fans alike.�

I’m not surprised, of course, that it took the sportscasters and fans to get a sign of life out of the Lakers, just that the former sitting Bull admitted as much.

The reference to “sportscasters� is a pretty good hint how Jackson motivated the Lakers for Friday night’s showdown, undoubtedly taking his team behind closed doors to torture them and make them watch ESPN’s scream-fest, “Around the Horn.�

(I’d guess most people watch “Around the Horn� behind closed doors because I can’t imagine anyone wanting anyone to know they watch such nonsense.)

However, speaking as one of the “sportscasters� who has agreed to humiliate himself on that show in order to pay for a wedding, I suggested on Friday’s yell-a-thon that it was time for “Phil to get off his butt and start coaching.�

I wasn’t worried about getting Phil angry, of course, because I took for granted he’d be off somewhere chanting, painting his toenails, burning incense or whatever he does to get ready for a game.

I added, “I think Phil is scared,� because he’s at his coaching best when he doesn’t have to do any coaching, but now he might not have enough talent to look good without doing something. I mocked the Lakers’ supporting cast, which reminds me of the bottom of the Dodgers’ lineup, which I suppose would constitute ridicule being heaped upon the Laker stiffs.

I used the same technique on the Angels early on, calling them all boring, and by season’s end they were appearing on Leno with David Eckstein visiting the White House. Shawn Green had more strikeouts than hits when I started calling him names, and then he set the record for most bases in one game. I got Kobe Bryant to shoot three-pointers almost as well as my daughter, and I probably deserve credit more than anyone for bringing passion back to USC football.

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LAST WEEK I went to work on Jackson, telling him it was time to start coaching, but it was as if I were talking to Curly after just getting boxed in the ears by Moe. I’ve seen that Three Stooges look before from the wife’s brothers, Bubba I, Bubba II and Bubba III, but I also know how much time they spend in front of TV, and if someone on TV says something, they accept it as the gospel according to Dick Vitale or Jillian Barberie.

So I’m not surprised it took a “sportscaster� talking tough to turn the Lakers around, although I’m sure Jackson will take credit when he writes that book. But let’s face it, before Friday’s TV slap in the face, Jackson was 0 for 10 in making winning adjustments at halftime. But now he’s one for 11, and everyone is talking about the heart of champion, as if that had anything to do with it.

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THE LAKERS are still in trouble. They play today against Utah, and the next episode of “Around the Horn� isn’t until Monday. I won’t be surprised if they lose to the Jazz.

There’s reason for concern. There are going to be days when The Times isn’t represented on “Around the Horn,� and with the Lakers so far back in the standings, I worry there aren’t going to be enough chances to poke fun at Phil and the Lakers.

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THIS IS where the fans must do their part. You already know that Jackson & Co. pay attention to the screaming yahoos who ridicule the champs for playing like chumps. Jackson said so after the Dallas win.

Last week he admitted a fan yelled at him to start coaching, and he wouldn’t have brought it up if he didn’t have rabbit ears. He wears earplugs to avoid hearing the cowbells, but I say Laker fans should stay on him until he’s forced to stick them in his ears for home games -- the earplugs, that is.

If the fans and sportscasters don’t ridicule the Lakers, they’ll fall flat again. That’s the only thing that has gotten their attention to date. Kobe yelled at his teammates and it didn’t make a difference. Shaq yelled at his teammates and nothing changed. The sportscasters and fans began to ridicule the Lakers and they staged the largest fourth-quarter rally in franchise history.

We all have some work to do, so Phil can get back to doing what he does best, which is nothing.

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I WENT to the fights at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas on Saturday night because I heard 6-foot-7 Wladimir Klitschko had knocked out Phil Jackson. I had no idea it wasn’t that Phil Jackson, though, so what a disappointment.

Before the heavyweight bout, Floyd Mayweather Jr. defended his title but failed to keep my attention. I will say on my card, though, I had the ring girl in the third, sixth, ninth and 12th rounds winning decisively. She showed more than Mayweather.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Ralph Johnson:

“You are the most biased, bigoted, sports writer on the planet, and even when you make an apology, it’s followed by something derogatory.�

I’m sorry you feel that way. I think I could probably grow to like you if you were the last person on earth.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected]