In the Spirit of Incoherence

Highlighted by a surprise pre-tour appearance by a rejuvenated Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones, the 19th annual MTV Video Music Awards telecast on Thursday ... what’s that? That was the Hives? Oh. Sorry.

Sparked by the Who’s memorable return to its instrument-smashing glory, the MTV Video Music ... say what? The Vines?

Let’s try this. Climaxed by an amusing spoof of the long-absent Axl Rose and an imaginary Guns ‘N Roses, including a masked guitarist with a pail on his head, the MTV ... yes? That was Axl and the new Guns ‘N Roses? The guitarist is named Buckethead?

How about Michael Jackson accepting that “artist of the millennium� award from Britney Spears? That really happened. So what if MTV explained later that there is no such award--it was Spears who called him the artist of the millennium.

Let’s face it: It’s futile to try to make much sense of the MTV Video Music Awards, the hyperactive cable music channel’s night to let it all hang out. As usual, MTV this year crammed everything it could into the three-hour-plus show, coherence be damned.

The shadow of Sept. 11 could not be ignored, and Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band opened the night with “The Rising,� his urgent plea to embrace and transcend the horror of that day. The drama of the performance was enhanced by its outdoor Manhattan setting at the Museum of Natural History.

Thanks for the inspiration, Bruce. Now, back at Radio City Music Hall. Here’s Britney in biker fetish gear. Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani introduces Sheryl Crow’s somber reflection, “Safe and Sound�; the two surviving members of TLC weep for the late Lisa “Left Eye� Lopes; and Shakira shakes her booty.

If the tone was erratic, there were some familiar elements to latch on to, such as the show’s tradition of surprise appearances and pairings--though this year it has dwindled to the level of David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, making nice after the front-porch-of-the-rest-home spat they started on their summer tour.

In fact, everyone was on his or her best behavior, except Eminem, who looked annoyed every time the camera found him. The rapper also escalated his running feud with Moby, soliciting a hail of boos with his snipes at the bookish electronic musician (“I will hit a man with glasses�) as he accepted his best male video award.

It’s too bad this belligerence will remain foremost in many viewers’ minds, because in addition to winning the most awards (four), Eminem was far and away the most provocative performer on the show. His “White America,� set in what looked like a congressional hearing room populated by outraged lawmakers, brilliantly described why the rapper is perceived as such a threat, and he segued into “Cleanin Out My Closet,� a harrowing journey into the tangled strands of his dysfunctional family.

Beyond that, it was hit and miss, with the retro rawness of the aforementioned newcomers the Hives and the Vines (appropriately staged as a battle of the bands) neutralized by such events as the first-ever solo appearance by ‘N Sync’s Justin Timberlake. The word “historic� was floated in advance of the big moment, but that’s stretching the term for what turned out to be a wan evocation of Michael Jackson’s culture-bending appearance on the Motown 25th anniversary special.

Now that was historic. Maybe they should rethink that artist of the millennium thing.

The MTV Video Music Awards will be repeated on MTV today at 1:30 p.m. and Sunday at 11 a.m.