And the Winners Are . . .

You’re not paying attention, are you? That’s OK--it’s been raining, there’s a new season of “Survivor,” the Oscars are coming up.

The election’s a month away. One month. Two weeks after the Academy Awards. Let the jockeying begin.

The studios hype their films: redemption through chocolate, the cleavaged crusader and so on. The candidates hype their platforms: Chief Parks, thumbs up or thumbs down . . . heck, no, the Valley can’t go . . . wetlands vs. condos at Playa Vista. The studios run ads pushing their nominees; the candidates go on TV pushing themselves.

So let’s give it to you easy. The campaign mailer envelopes, please . . .

Best “Mr./Ms. Smith Goes to City Hall” role

No nominee. Mr. Smith has left the town hall. Retail campaigning chews up time, and time is short. Time is money. Time to go on TV.

Best big-budget production

Hey, big spender. In 1999 Steve Soboroff sent out holiday cards to people like me. He started running TV ads before the Super Bowl. City Atty. James Hahn has $2ish million burning a hole in his TV budget, former Assembly Speaker Antonio Villaraigosa has $1.6 mil, council member Wachs $1.3 mil, state Controller Kathleen Connell almost that much, and Rep. Xavier Becerra about $700K.

Best score

Soboroff, who can score big campaign dough out of his own pocket. He’s spent about $2.3 mil so far.

Best candidate in kinder, gentler “Scrooge” role

Connell, whose coat of arms is probably crossed scissors on an adding machine rampant, runs on Roto-Rootering fiscal messes. Wachs, Mr. “Over My Dead Body Politic” on public financing for sports arenas, is tight with tax dimes.

Best candidate in a “Norma Rae” role

Villaraigosa and Hahn, favorites of the lunch-bucket and push-broom crowd.

Best original political screenplay

Becerra, the grass-roots guy made good--good son, good student, good congressman. . . . Connell, woman, mother, money manager, state controller. . . . Hahn, the politician his father would want him to be. . . . Soboroff the large-hearted political amateur. . . . Villaraigosa, the bad boy who found the straight and narrow. . . . Wachs, the plucky independent man-about-City Hall. Becerra and Villaraigosa could stymie each other here: Voters love a clean-cut hero (Becerra), but they love a wayward lamb redeemed, too (Villaraigosa). Otherwise, Bill Clinton would never be in line for government pensions.

Best candidate in a San Fernando Valley role

Wachs lives in the Valley. Soboroff reminds people he’s a Republican with a Valley campaign office. Hahn, living in San Pedro and joined at the hip to the central city, woos the Valley with a pledge to close the Sunshine Canyon landfill in Granada Hills. Connell promises to work two days each week in the Valley. (Sam Yorty, the last mayor from the Valley, sometimes commuted by city helicopter.)

Best leading role not yet signed and sealed

Hahn, pulling a chart-topping 24% in Sunday’s Times poll. Eight years ago, Michael Woo had 20% in the poll and Richard Riordan had 8%. You all remember Mayor Woo.

Best candidate in an “Elmer Gantry” role

A bully pulpit they don’t fill--education. What did voters polled say the mayor’s first priority should be? Education. Hello? The mayor has no control over the schools, unless he’d care to bankroll changing the Board of Education, as Mayor Riordan has.

Best candidate in a Kirk-and-Michael-Douglas role

Hahn gets a leg up from his late father’s reputation. Soboroff, who once actually worked for Kirk Douglas, is Mayor Riordan’s designated heir.

Best candidate in an “Erin Brockovich” role

Connell has doubts about the Playa Vista project. Villaraigosa angled for the millions now on deck to build riverside parks; Soboroff was top (appointed) dog in rec and parks.

Best candidate in a “Blue Knight” role

Chief Parks has one vote. The police union has thousands. Wachs pledges to make Parks a one-term chief. Becerra and Villaraigosa kinda, sorta maybe say they would do so too.

Best costume

One person must dress all male politicians for their ads--same rolled-up sleeves (“I work hard”), same loosened tie (“I’m a straight arrow but not a dweeb”).

Best supporting actors

All those people in the political ads who manage to look interested and attentive (candidate’s message: “These people take me seriously; you should too.”)

That’s acting!

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Patt Morrison’s e-mail address is [email protected]