LAUGH LINES

Health Hazards: “Agriculture officials in England are in a frenzy over a recent breakout of foot and mouth disease, which has hit that country’s livestock. . . . A USDA spokesperson says there’s no possibility of such an outbreak [in the United States]. However, several cases of foot in the mouth disease have been detected in Washington.” (Ira Lawson)

Feeling Disconnected: “A 92-year-old man in Utah may not have thought things through when he called his local utility company to complain about an outage. . . . Police say he had been drawing free power from a line near his home for decades. . . . He has been charged with stealing about $82,000 worth of electricity--$82,000? . . . What’s the big deal? If he were in California, that would only be about one month’s bill.” (Mark Wheeler)

Animal Appeal: “The city of West Hollywood is no longer calling people who own pets ‘pet owners.’ They say that it is demeaning to the animal. . . . You now have to call pet owners pet guardians. A pet guardian? . . . I feed my cat, I give it a place to live. I’m not even a pet guardian. . . . I’m a pet sugar daddy!” (Jay Leno)

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