LAUGH LINES

Art Imitating Life: “Former Speaker Newt Gingrich had his official portrait unveiled [recently] in Washington. It’s very accurate. It shows him voting to impeach Bill Clinton while cheating on his own wife.” (Jay Leno)

Make-Over Galore: “To create the strange-looking characters in [‘Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas’], the makeup and special-effects departments used more than 8,000 noses and other facial appliances . . . which were generously loaned to them by Michael Jackson.” (Ira Lawson)

The Price of Staying Healthy: “A new study indicates that sexual promiscuity helps boost the number of germ-fighting white cells in our blood. Can you just hear the excuses now from philandering husbands? ‘But, honey, what could I do? The country was all out of flu shots!’ ” (Paul Steinberg)

With a Woman’s Touch: “Arnold Schwarzenegger told the New York Post that in ‘Terminator III,’ he’ll square off against a woman. . . . Arnold will say: ‘I’ll be back.’ And she’ll say: ‘What time? Who are you going to be with? Can you remember to pick up milk?’ ” (Daily Scoop)

Wishful Thinking: “Regis Philbin recently said in an interview that tennis lessons from Pete Sampras were on the top of his holiday wish list. . . . On the bottom of his wish list? . . . Singing lessons from Kathie Lee Gifford.” (Andrew Wisot)

Chew on This: “The British papers reported that supermodel Kate Moss had been robbed. Someone broke into her apartment and stole $350,000 worth of jewelry. Also cleaned out her refrigerator and took two grains of rice and a carrot.” (Leno)

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