LAUGH LINES

Look Who’s Talking: “I love how smug the foreign countries are. I was watching these British and Latin reporters on the news. They said, ‘The American election has descended into confusion and the Americans are a pitiful country.’ A pitiful country! That’s what they called us. These are people who can’t have a soccer game without starting a civil war!” (Jay Leno)

Together Again: “Tonya Harding . . . has reunited with her ex-boyfriend--the one she hit over the head with a hubcap. . . . Apparently, that hubcap did a lot of damage.”

(Andrew Wisot)

First at the Scene: “The Fox network, which was the first channel to say that George W. Bush had won the presidency, has just unveiled a new slogan, which says: ‘The Number 1 Network for Political Coverage.’ Fox’s second choice for a slogan was: ‘We Get It Wrong First.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Here’s to Your Health: “Doctors now say that drinking three to seven alcoholic beverages per day will help reduce the risk of heart attacks and that laughter can reduce heart disease. . . . Now cheap HMOs are bypassing expensive doctors and sending their heart patients to comedy clubs with two-drink minimums.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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