A CHANGE OF PACE

Regarding the town basketball team and that hoo-haw beginning tonight . . .

Nobody had any idea it would all happen this way.

But anybody hanging around the last six weeks knows exactly what will happen now.

GAME 1: Scottie Pippen, the chirping Portland star, returns to Staples Center to sing the national anthem.

He does this impressively . . . until the last two lines. Then he can’t get the words out. He fumbles “land of the free� and air-balls “home of the brave.�

The NBA finals begin, and the Indiana Pacers immediately employ their strategy of letting Shaquille O’Neal score while stopping everyone else.

At halftime, Shaq has 40 points.

“But we held Brian Shaw scoreless!� Larry Bird tells Ahmad Rashad after their chest bump.

At the end of three quarters, Shaq has 70 points.

“Robert Horry’s got nothing tonight!� Bird screams at his team in the huddle.

At the start of the fourth quarter, the game is halted by the apparent work of pranksters.

Staples Center security guards rush the floor to remove what appears to be a giant cardboard cutout of a large blond guy in a Pacer uniform.

“Get your hands off me,� says Rik Smits.

At the final buzzer, Shaq has 80.

Indiana has 77.

“Kobe who?� Bird asks with a smile.

GAME 2: Orel Hershiser, the living link to this town’s last major pro sports championship, in 1988, throws up the ceremonial first tip.

It is a moment filled with nostalgia . . . until Hershiser plunks the ball off Phil Jackson’s back.

The game begins, and while the Pacer defense remains the same, the Laker offense changes.

First possession, Robert Horry throws up a three-point attempt.

Next possession, Glen Rice throws up a fallaway jump shot.

Third possession, Kobe Bryant allows all of four seconds to tick off the shot clock before throwing up a shot from behind the basket.

Shaq is fuming.

Phil Jackson is smiling.

At the half, the Pacers lead by 12.

“What a wonderful learning experience!� Phil Jackson tells Rashad after their halftime smooch.

At the start of the third quarter, the game is momentarily halted by the apparent work of pranksters.

Staples Center security guards rush to the floor to remove what appears to be a giant beige ottoman.

“I told you, leave me alone!� shouts Rik Smits.

In the second half, the Lakers continue their ignore-Shaq offense.

Indiana keeps its promise to stop everyone else.

The Pacers win, 100-80.

Phil Jackson is positively ecstatic.

“I’ve said all along, we need a good 20-point whipping in the NBA finals before we can grow as a team,� he tells the media. “I only wish they could have beaten the pants off us in Game 1 too!�

GAME 3: The series resumes in Indianapolis, where the pregame ceremonies involve a “Who Wants To Own A Grain Elevator� quiz show. The contestants are four Indiana University trustees.

The subject is ethics.

The game is delayed an hour while organizers await a correct answer.

The Lakers race to a big lead while the Pacers’ Reggie Miller misses 10 of his first 11 shots.

Shortly before halftime, Mark Jackson confronts him at midcourt.

“Don’t you think you’d do better without that ridiculous floppy hat and those silly sunglasses?� he says.

“Oh, yeah,� Miller says.

The Pacers score 30 consecutive third-quarter points to take a 15-point lead with one minute left in the period.

Phil Jackson finally rises from the bench.

The Lakers run to him, thinking he has finally called a timeout.

“No, no, no,� he says, waving them away. “My foot fell asleep.�

Indiana wins by 10 to take to a two-games-to-one series lead.

“Looking good,� Phil Jackson says.

GAME 4: During pregame warmups, the Lakers are surrounded by several yellowish-gray wild dogs.

Yep. Jackals.

“Your coach accused us of being at the end of the Portland bench!� said one with understandable anger, if not surprising clarity. “Actually, we all live in Indianapolis.�

The Lakers are so upset, they miss all their field-goal attempts and make all their free throws and trail by 10 after two quarters.

During halftime warmups, they are surrounded again, this time by Bob Knight-lookalikes in red sweaters and scowling faces and bellies the size of medicine balls.

Yep. Rednecks.

“Your coach accused us of being in the Sacramento stands!� said one with understandable anger, if not surprising clarity. “Actually, we all live in Indiana.�

The Lakers are really upset now. A.C. Green grabs 15 second-half rebounds, Ron Harper scores 15 second-half points, and nobody else does jackal.

The Pacers win, 99-90, and are only one victory from one of the biggest finals upsets in NBA history.

Phil Jackson jumps for joy.

“Man, talk about your education, this has been a three-game full scholarship, a regular Ivy League seminar, learning is so much fun! I couldn’t be prouder of the way we’ve stunk!�

GAME 5: Sick of Indiana.

Sick of White Castles.

Sick of walking carefully downtown at night for fear that somebody might throw a chair at you.

The Lakers play great when they’re ill. They play even better when they’ve made us ill.

It all comes together when they jump to an early lead and win by 10, spoiling what was obviously a scheduled Conseco Fieldhouse title party.

“We looked up in the rafters and saw all those ears of corn hanging in those nets, and we knew we had to win,� said one Laker.

GAME 6: Back in Los Angeles. Struggling Reggie Miller realizes what he needs. He needs a good fight with a courtside celebrity. He needs Spike Lee.

He tries Jack Nicholson.

Nicholson is looking through his binoculars at the Laker Girls.

He tries Denzel Washington.

Washington is way too cool.

He tries Will Smith.

Smith is too busy gettin’ jiggy wit it.

Miller thinks, and thinks, and remembers the feisty celebrity who once fought former Laker Orlando Woolridge in the Forum tunnel.

Miller decides to fight with sister Cheryl.

But by that time, it is the end of the third quarter and the Lakers are leading by 10.

Moments later, the Pacers give up hope when leading scorer Jalen Rose, who helped popularize today’s basketball fashions while at Michigan, trips over his pants.

GAME 7: You just know it’s coming down to this.

The Lakers use Glen Rice’s hot shooting to take an early lead.

But Nick Van Exel jumps out of the stands to bump a referee, and momentum changes.

The Lakers use Shaq’s strength to regain the lead in the third quarter.

But Magic Johnson runs into the huddle to call a play, and momentum changes.

It finally comes down to the final 23 seconds, Lakers with the ball and trailing by one.

The in-bounds pass goes to Kobe, who dribbles left. Dribbles right. Falls to the ground and dribbles in a circle. Throws a pail of confetti at the Indiana defense.

Then, with one second left, he hits a fallaway 18-footer to give the Lakers the world championship.

And is immediately bombarded with the obvious question:

Did you know you could do it?

“Duh,� says Bryant with a yawn.

Then with his new bride at his side--they were married during a horrific fit of boredom while pondering color photos of the entrees at a popular Indianapolis restaurant--he then announces his retirement.

“Like I said, I do everything young,� he says.

During the on-court celebration, Staples security guards are summoned underneath the basket to remove what is apparently a seven-foot melting block of cheese.

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Bill Plaschke can be reached at his e-mail address: [email protected].