Five Reasons to Root Root Root for the Home Team

Reason No. 1 why the Los Angeles Lakers desperately need to defeat the Indiana Pacers in the National Basketball Assn.’s championship series, beginning here tonight:

We have little else in our lives.

Los Angeles is a lonely town. Slow. Sluggish. Our cars move at a snail’s pace. We have no pro football. We’re not even a state capital. Hollywood is all make-believe. There is nothing we can be proud of as a community, other than our basketball.

Indianapolis is a happening place. Automobiles there hit speeds of 200 or more. You can drive 500 miles in Indiana sometimes without running into a thing. Pro football teams move TO Indianapolis, not from it. Indiana is real. Its people there are real, not actors. Indiana’s state motto is “The Crossroads of America.� The state motto of California is: “Valet Parking Available.�

We need this more than you Hoosiers do. We have crime, quakes, riots. You have picnics, state fairs, barn raisings. We have Larry Flynt. You have Larry Bird. We have the TV show “Friends.� You have actual friends. We have O.J. and people who snort coke. You have little green apples and people who drink cherry Coke. Give us a break.

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Reason No. 2 why the Lakers just have to win the NBA title:

For the little guys.

We need this for every average man and woman in California who would like to be able to buy a court-side ticket to a Laker game, but cannot afford to give up their: (a) rent, (b) jewelry, (c) life insurance, (d) leaf blowers; (e) Wrestlemania tickets, (f) firstborn sons, or (g) mistress’s apartment, just to go to a game. I know for a fact that a court-side seat in Indiana costs 79 cents. Life IS better there.

Don’t worry, though, little guys, you aren’t missing much at court side. The players perspire by the quart and their shoes squeak. You’re also in constant danger of being struck in the face by a Shaquille O’Neal free throw. The only good thing about sitting close to the floor is that the referee can actually hear what you call him. And by the way, that’s a terrible thing to say about anybody’s mother.

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Reason No. 3 why it really would be cool if the Lakers won:

For the big guys.

No, not for O’Neal. We don’t mean that humongous human. We mean three former Laker extra-large dudes who deserve to be in our thoughts today, as their old cage quintet (that’s old-time basketball lingo) begins a new quest to be the best.

First, let’s win one for the Dipper. In case you haven’t noticed, Laker players wear black armbands for Wilt Chamberlain, the superstar known as “The Big Dipper,� who died on Oct. 12, 1999. Wouldn’t it be nice if the Shaq Pack dedicated it to Wilt if the title is won? It is sad that he isn’t here.

Second, a moment for George Mikan. He is the Laker that the Lakers treat like dirt. Mikan was a true Laker hero, a Hall of Famer, a giant. But because he played for the Minneapolis Lakers, he is not honored with a banner as L.A.’s favorite Lakers are. Just suppose that the Dodgers stiffed Jackie Robinson because he never played for them in Los Angeles. It is sad that George Mikan has to be a man without a team.

Third, a word about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. He was last seen coaching for the Los Angeles Clippers. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, but this is a little like James Earl Jones appearing in a junior high school play. I don’t want to bad-mouth you, Kareem, but you could beat the Clippers. Your true team is playing tonight, big guy.

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Reason No. 4 why the Lakers might like to win this thing:

Chick Hearn is preparing to broadcast his 999-billionth consecutive Laker basketball game, a record. The jumbo overhead scoreboard will air highlights of Chick’s best halftime guests, including Abraham Lincoln and the actual Abraham from the Bible.

He is no spring chick anymore. Not only has he done games at the Forum in Inglewood, but at the Colosseum in Italy as well. I am fairly sure that Chick Hearn did the play-by-play at the first Eastern Conference gladiator finals. Let’s win this for Chick, before his mandatory retirement in 2035 or 2040.

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Reason No. 5 why the Lakers must be the best:

To win the bet.

You just know that the mayors or governors will make some dumb bet on the outcome. They always do. California oranges for Indiana squash, whatever. I was thinking we could offer them a Quackenbush for a Quayle, but then nobody would want to win.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: [email protected]