LAUGH LINES

Thanks, but No Thanks: “Al Gore says that while he is in Los Angeles, he will not attend a Democratic fund-raiser at the Playboy mansion. Apparently he’s tired of being around playboys.� (Jay Leno)

You Can Run, but You Can’t Hide: “Kathie Lee Gifford is leaving ‘Live With Regis & Kathie Lee’ to spend more time with her family. In a related story, her husband, Frank Gifford, just reported to the New York Giants’ training camp to attempt a comeback.� (Alex Kaseberg)

That’s Bull: “In Spain, they held the annual ‘running of the bulls,’ when people race down the streets with bulls chasing them. America also has a ‘running of the bulls.’ It’s called the presidential election.� (Andrew Wisot)

Pass It On: “President Clinton will make an appearance with Al Gore on the second day of the Democratic convention. They’re calling it a passing-the-torch event. From that moment on, it will be Al Gore’s responsibility to burn the files.� (Argus Hamilton)

The Essential David Letterman

Top Rat Complaints About New York City

9. Three-foot-diameter bag of garbage now renting for 5 grand a month.

8. The past 10 years, only two rats elected to City Council.

7. During cooler winter months, the lack of stench becomes unbearable.

6. Only local rat role model is Donald Trump.

4. City should leave us alone, start cracking down on fat guys in tank tops.

3. The musical “Cats� glosses over their homicidal brutality.

1. It’s just not the cesspool it used to be.

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