LAUGH LINES

Wacky World of Sports: “I don’t get it either: Comedian Dennis Miller will be one of the anchors on ‘Monday Night Football.’ In a related story . . . Dana Carvey has just been traded to the Green Bay Packers.” (Craig Kilborn)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear From a Lifeguard

10. “I was shocked how easy it is to get counterfeit Red Cross certification.”

9. “You know . . . I probably should have waited until I was off duty to get stinkin’ drunk.”

8. “Hey, you--put on a shirt. I just ate lunch.”

7. “I gotta run and get some stamps--nobody drown while I’m gone.”

6. “If the water’s a little warm around there, it’s my fault.”

5. “Yeah, I’m David Hasselhoff . . . life’s been tough since they canceled ‘Baywatch.’ ”

4. “All right . . . everybody out! Time for daddy’s bubble bath!”

3. “You better be careful, pal--there’s no way I’m giving you mouth-to-mouth.”

2. “If I find out you’ve eaten in the last half an hour, so help me God, I’ll kill you.”

1. “Shark!”

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